The perfect man.
Sounds kind of ridiculous.
But… every time I coach a woman, every time I listen beyond the surface, I realise that none of these things are actually what she’s searching for.
What she really wants is competence.
Because competence makes her feel safe. And safety for a woman is oxygen.
I also learned this from my own relationship. One day we were at a doctor’s office and she started to faint out of nowhere.
I caught her, lowered her down, held her upright so she could lean on me and told the doctor to get water. I told the assistant to bring something salty to eat.
Afterwards she cried because no one in her life had ever made her feel that held. That calm. That protected. There is no salary bracket in the world that can replace that moment for a woman.
Competence is the feeling that you can handle life. That she can lean into you and trust you as a man to hold her.
I saw that again when she hit days of overwhelm last year. She was exhausted, mentally and emotionally.
Instead of giving her a lecture about slowing down and what she should do, I booked her a long weekend yoga retreat. When she came back she looked lighter, softer, like her nervous system finally got to rest.
Safety is rest. Safety is exhale.
Even the small things matter. I recently put together a couple of IKEA cabinets for us. Just a simple piece of furniture. But the way she watched me, you’d think I built a castle.
These things sound small to men. To women, they are everything.
Because the truth is, a woman is not looking for height or money or abs. Those are symbols.
Shortcuts for a deeper instinct.
What she wants is competence.
She wants to feel that her man can meet the world with steadiness. She wants to feel that he can make decisions. She wants to feel that he won’t collapse under pressure. She wants to feel that she doesn’t have to be the strong one all the time.
Safety for a woman is the foundation of intimacy.
Without it, she tenses.
She goes into her head. She questions everything. She tries to lead because someone has to.
But when she feels safe, her whole being changes. She softens. She opens. She rests into her feminine. She becomes even more affectionate, more playful, more sexual, more loving.
Competence is not about having it all together or always doing it right. I screw up plenty of times.
It’s about being the kind of man she can trust with the moments that matter. And when you give a woman safety, you unlock a version of her that most men will never experience from a woman.
A woman fully open is one of the rarest and most beautiful things in the world.
