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Jan-Willem with his family
74 page ebook + bonus · instant download

The Ten Secrets to a Lasting and Happy Relationship

Shorter arguments within the first week. Evenings that end on good terms. Feeling wanted by your partner again. These are the 10 things I use with every couple I coach, with the exact words to say tonight. Most couples notice the difference within 10 days.

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Free bonus · October onlyThe Weekly Intimacy RitualOne evening a week that brings the butterflies back.
Why this book

You do not need more love. You need to stop waiting for the feeling.

Almost every couple I work with still loves each other. They are waiting to feel close again before they do anything about it. It works the other way round. You do the small things, and the feeling follows.

Sound familiar?
The same argument keeps coming back, and it is never really about the dishes.
The first words of the day are about the car, the kids or the milk.
From 8pm until bed you sit side by side on your phones.
One of you keeps asking “are we OK?” and the other goes quiet.
Neither of you can remember the last time someone planned something.
Sex has become something you are both waiting to feel like.

Within 2 weeks, you look forward to coming home to each other again.

What changed

Same couple. Different marriage.

From a 3 hour fight to 15 minutes

Every money talk Nina and Sam had turned into a 3 hour fight, so they stopped having them. Now it takes 15 minutes, once a month, and ends with dinner out.

Nina and Sam

Talking until 10 at night

Kate called them “flatmates who share a couch.” By the end of week 2 they were talking until 10, and she learned things about Johan she had never known.

Kate and Johan

3 plans in 2 weeks, after 11 years

For 11 years Claire told David he never planned anything. 2 weeks after she said one different sentence, he had planned 3 things.

Claire and David

Names and details changed to protect their privacy.

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Clients

What people say after working with me

The 10 secrets come out of my sessions with couples and individuals. These are some of the people from those sessions, in their own words.

He saved my marriage, built back trust in my family, and helped me find happiness in myself again.

Christopher

After only three sessions I could already feel a real shift, and I could see it in my everyday life and in my relationships.

Denisa

He guided me in learning how to communicate my needs in a way my man could understand and respond to.

Taryn
How it is built

Every secret has the same 6 parts

Read the whole book once. It takes about an hour.

The story

A couple I worked with

What went wrong for them, and what changed.

The idea

The problem, in 1 page

Why it happens, and why you keep doing it.

The practice

3 or 4 steps

Small enough to do this week, on a tired weeknight.

The words

What to say

The exact sentence, written out. Often next to the one that starts the fight.

What changes

What to expect, and when

What you will notice, and roughly when. Most couples see it within 2 weeks.

In my house

My own marriage

How it goes with my wife and me, including where I still get it wrong.

Most of it works whether or not your partner reads a word.

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Jan-Willem van der Heiden
Who wrote it

I spent 8 years hearing one side of the story

For 8 years my work was men. Retreats, workshops, circles, one to one. More than 1,000 of them.

Along the way I started hearing their partners describe the same problem from the other side, with the opposite villain. Neither could see it. Both were sure it was the other one.

Since then I have worked with hundreds of couples, and the same 10 things keep working. This book is those 10 things, in the order I use them.

I live in Ubud, Bali with my wife and our daughter. We use every one of the 10. We still get it wrong. We know how to find our way back.

1,000+Men
100+Couples
10+Workshops
1Marriage
More from people I have worked with

I feel more grounded, and speaking up now happens almost effortlessly, which is also noticeable to my partner.

Henry

I was in a destructive relationship that wasn’t feeding or nurturing me and have since found a life partner with whom I’m starting a family.

Dylan

If you work with him, you will be challenged, and at the same time you will be held and supported.

Maria
The Weekly Intimacy Ritual, bonus guide
Free bonus · October only

The Weekly Intimacy Ritual

The ebook changes your ordinary days. The ritual is something else. One evening a week, protected, just for being with each other. Eye contact, touch, and saying what you have been holding in. No problem solving and no logistics.

Even after the first time, couples tell me:

Feeling deeply connected
The sex is better than ever
More laughter in the house
The butterflies came back
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Both guides, 9 euro

October: free bonus included
€9
Two PDFs, one payment, yours to keep.
74 page ebook: 10 secrets, 10 couples' stories, 10 practices
Read it tonight in about an hour
Works even if your partner never reads it
Bonus: The Weekly Intimacy Ritual, 17 pages (October only)
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Before you buy

Fair questions

Will this work if my partner will not read it?

Most of it, yes. Most of the practices are things you do on your own, and your partner feels the difference without a single conversation about it. The last 2 secrets need both of you.

Is this just the same advice I have read before?

Some of it will sound familiar, and the familiar ones are usually the ones nobody does on an ordinary weeknight. What is different is the order, that each secret comes with something small enough to do this week, and that I am married and use all of it myself.

We are not in crisis. Is it still for us?

It is written for couples who have gone quiet, more than for couples in crisis. If nothing is wrong and nothing is exciting either, this book was written for you.

Are the couples in the book real?

Yes. They are couples I have worked with. I changed names and details, and sometimes combined couples, so nobody can be recognised.

What happens after I read it?

If you want structure rather than ideas, the 30 Day Challenge turns all 10 secrets into 15 minutes a day for a month. You will hear about it, and you are under no obligation to take it.

How do I get it?

Pay, and both PDFs land in your inbox within a minute. If they do not, write to me and I will send them by hand.

One last thing

You already know something is missing

It is worth 9 euro and an hour of your evening to find out what it is and what to do about it.

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