For most of our relationship, my wife was anxious about our relationship
Over the last few years something shifted. I committed to being steady with her. Consistent. Present. Daily. Just because I wanted to be that man. And slowly, she settled. The anxious reaching stopped. She became secure.
Then last week she didn't reply to my text for an hour. Didn't pick up when I called. And I caught myself spiralling. Wondering if something was wrong. Wondering if she was pulling away. Wondering if I'd done something.
And it smacked me in the head that I had become the anxious one.
Let me tell you something about that feeling from the inside: it is so much worse than avoidant. Avoidant is cold and numb and defended. Anxious is hot and loud and it is happening to you. You don't choose the thought. The thought chooses you. I finally understood what she (and my exes) had been living with for years.
I wasn't proud of the spiral. But I was grateful for it. One hour of that feeling taught me more about her experience than years of listening to her describe it.
The gift of reassurance is a wonderful thing in those moments.
