The biggest problem with most relationship therapy and coaching is that it focuses on the relationship
The relationship isn’t what creates the disconnection. Old hurt surfacing inside it does.
Work on the surface and you get surface-level results.
Heal the old hurt and you feel like a new person in a different relationship, because you connect differently.
One of my clients wanted to end her 6-year relationship. “We’re just different people,” she said.
I asked, “In what way?”
“I love going out, dancing, experiencing life. He always wants to stay in and watch a movie or the next show on Netflix.”
“What does it feel like when he wants to do something different?”
“Like he doesn’t care about me. I feel rejected, misunderstood, like my needs don’t matter.”
“Did you feel that way as a child with your father?”
“YES! All the time.”
“Close your eyes and imagine that little girl in front of you. What would you say to her, or do with her?”
“Hug her, kiss her and play with her!”
She imagined it, and she started crying from sadness, joy and relief all at once.
Then I asked, “Now go back to your boyfriend wanting to watch a movie. What comes up?”
“Excitement. Joy. I’m happy for him. He does love going out with me. It’s only when he didn’t that all this pain came up. Now that it’s gone, I can see we’re a good match. I bring the outgoing energy, and he brings the calm. We balance each other.”
6 years of “mismatch” resolved in 30 minutes.
