How to stop criticising your partner and get what you want instead

If you are looking up how to stop criticising your partner, you have probably noticed it is not working. You tell them the same thing again and again. Nothing changes, and you both feel worse.

Here is the hard truth I tell every couple. Criticism has never once worked. Not in any room I have sat in. It has a 100 percent failure rate, and we all keep using it.

Why criticism fails every time

Criticism produces defence. Defence produces distance. There is no version where the correction lands and they move towards you.

In the moment it still feels like the accurate thing to do. You are often right about what they did. Being right is not the same as getting what you want.

When a partner is criticised, their body goes into defence. They stop listening to content and start protecting themselves. They may argue, go quiet, or agree just to make it stop. None of those lead to a changed behaviour.

The story of Claire and David

In my ebook I write about Claire and David. For 11 years Claire told David he never planned anything. Never booked dinner. Never organised a weekend. Never surprised her.

She was right. And for 11 years, nothing changed. David heard the same complaint so often he stopped hearing it.

I asked Claire to think of 1 time David had planned something. It took her a while. Then she remembered a picnic, 2 summers earlier. He had packed it himself. I asked how that had felt, and where she felt it. She put her hand on her chest. "Warm. Like I could put the diary down for once."

That night she told David exactly that. 2 weeks later he had planned 3 things. David said that for the first time, he knew what she wanted. Before, he only ever knew what he was doing wrong.

How to stop criticising your partner: the swap

You are allowed to want things, and you are allowed to say so. Say it from the other end.

1. Take the criticism you were about to make. Find the version of it you want more of.
2. Say what you appreciate first. Be specific enough that they know exactly which moment.
3. Then name the feeling and where it sits in your body. Chest, throat, stomach, shoulders.

Instead of "you never plan anything," try: "When you booked that dinner in March, I felt something loosen in my chest. Like I could put the diary down for once. I want more of that."

Why the body part matters

The last step is the one everyone skips, and it is the one that makes it work. Nobody argues with what you feel in your body. They can argue with your opinion. They cannot argue with your chest.

It also gives your partner a target. "Be more thoughtful" is a fog. "When you made me tea during my long call I felt looked after" is a map.

Catching yourself in the moment

Most criticism is a habit. It happens at the same moments every day. When they walk in the door. When you see the kitchen. When the kids are being put to bed.

1. Notice your trigger moments. Write down when you most often criticise.
2. Prepare a replacement for each. If you usually comment on the kitchen at 6pm, decide in advance to thank them for something else first.
3. If you slip, name it. "That came out as criticism. What I meant was I'm tired and I want help with dinner."

What to do with the frustration

Not criticising does not mean swallowing everything. Swallowed frustration turns into resentment, which is worse.

Ask for what you need, specifically. Each of you write 5 small things the other could do in a normal week that would feel like care. Swap lists. Most of the time, the thing you were criticising was the closest you could get to asking.

What changes

Your partner starts doing more of what you want within days, which can be annoying if you have spent years on the other approach. You get the behaviour without the argument you were braced for.

The house also gets lighter. Constant criticism makes a home feel like an exam. When it stops, both of you relax.

In my house

My wife is much better at this than I am. When she tells me what she liked, I do it again that week without deciding to.

Your first week without criticism

Day 1: write down the 3 criticisms you make most often. Do not say them.

Day 2: for each one, find the version you want more of. Write that down too.

Day 3: use 1 of them. Say what you liked, how it felt, and where in your body.

Days 4 to 7: catch yourself once a day. When a criticism starts, stop, and swap it.

At the end of the week, notice what your partner did differently. Most people are surprised how quickly it moves.

Where to start

Take the free relationship quiz to see where you are. The Ten Secrets has this and 9 other practices I use with every couple. The 30 Day Challenge turns them into 15 minutes a day each.

Questions about criticism