How to stop having the same argument over and over

If you want to know how to stop having the same argument, here is the first thing to understand. You are not arguing about what you think you are arguing about.

The dishes. The in-laws. Who forgot to book the babysitter. Who is always late. These are the places the argument comes out. They are not where it comes from.

Why the same argument keeps coming back

Under every fight I have watched, in hundreds of rooms, is 1 of 3 things. Somebody did not feel heard. Somebody did not feel seen. Somebody did not feel understood.

When you argue about the topic, you can win the topic and still lose. The hurt underneath is not touched, so it waits. A week later it comes out again, attached to something else, or the same thing.

That is why the same argument repeats. It is not unfinished business about the dishes. It is unfinished business about feeling heard.

A story from my ebook

Mia and Josh came to me after their fourth argument in a month about the babysitter. Josh had dates. He had messages he could scroll back to. He was right about almost all of it, and every time he proved it, things got worse.

In our second session I stopped him mid-sentence and asked Mia 1 question: "What part of this felt like he wasn't hearing you?"

She was quiet for a long time. Then she said it was not the babysitter. 3 weeks earlier she had asked him whether he still liked going out with her, and he had said "of course" without looking up from his phone. The babysitter was just where it came out.

Josh put his phone face down on the table. He said later that was the moment he saw he had been winning arguments for years and losing his wife while he did it.

How to stop having the same argument: the practice

1. When it heats up, stop answering what they said. Do not correct the facts. Do not defend yourself.
2. Ask: "What part of this felt like I was not hearing you?"
3. Then say nothing. Wait longer than is comfortable. The first answer is rarely the true one. The second one usually is.

It sounds like this:

"I can see this got big. I don't think it's about the dishes. What part of tonight felt like I wasn't hearing you?"

Why this works

When you go looking for their hurt, you stop being the one on trial. You no longer need to defend yourself, because you are no longer the subject. The conversation moves from who is right to what happened.

What you find is usually not about you. It is a moment when they did not feel met. Sometimes it happened tonight. Often it happened long before they met you.

The other half: reactions that are bigger than the moment

Some arguments repeat because one of you is reacting to something old. A useful test is to score your reaction out of 10 while it is happening, and then score what happened.

If you feel a 9 about something that was a 3, the other 6 is from somewhere else. Usually from long ago. In my ebook, Lena felt a 9 when her husband came home 40 minutes late without texting. What had happened was a 3. Her father used to disappear for days without a word.

Saying the number out loud changes everything. "This is an 8, and I know what happened is a 3." The argument about who is overreacting stops, because you now share a measure.

What to stop doing

1. Stop bringing evidence. Being right is not the goal. You can be right and lonely.
2. Stop saying always and never. "You always" and "you never" start a debate about examples.
3. Stop solving in the middle of the fight. Nobody can take in a solution while they still feel unheard.
4. Stop leaving it unfinished. A fight that ends with silence comes back. A fight that ends with "I get it now" usually does not.

What changes

Arguments get shorter in the first week. Not because you solved anything, but because you stopped feeding it. Most couples report the same thing: the fight ends 20 minutes earlier, and nobody had to win.

Mia and Josh still argue. When it heats up now, Josh asks the question and waits. The last time I heard from them, Mia said their fights are over before the kettle boils.

In my house

I used to answer the accusation, and I was good at it. Now I ask the question about half the time. On the nights I ask it, we go to bed on good terms.

Your first week

Pick the argument you have most often. Next time it starts, ask the question once, and wait. Write down what they said. Most couples learn more from that 1 answer than from years of the same fight.

Where to start

Take the free relationship quiz to see where you stand. The Ten Secrets has this practice and 9 more, each with a story and the exact words. If you want a month that turns them into daily habits, try the 30 Day Challenge.

Questions about repeat arguments