Early in our relationship, I noticed my wife was a people pleaser
And I noticed because I’ve been a notorious people pleaser myself
She said yes when she meant no. She agreed to plans she didn’t want. When I asked where she wanted to eat, she’d say, “Wherever you want.”
At first it seemed easy. She never complained and we never argued.
But I started to feel something was off. I didn’t know what she wanted, so I couldn’t give it to her. When she said yes, I couldn’t trust that it was a real yes. And I could feel small resentments building up in her that she wasn’t saying out loud.
A people pleaser isn’t being kind. She’s hiding. And you can’t fully love someone who keeps hiding from you.
So I started helping her find her own wants and her own limits.
When she said, “Wherever you want,” I’d say, “I want to know what you want. Pick one.” Then I’d wait until she picked.
When she said yes to something, I’d ask, “Is that a full yes?” If it wasn’t, I thanked her for telling me the truth, and we did something else.
When she finally said no to me for the first time, I celebrated it. I told her how much I loved that she trusted me enough to say it.
It took months. Now she tells me exactly what she wants, and exactly what she doesn’t. She’s more herself than she has ever been.
And I get to love all of her, not just the version that agrees with me.
