The way you see men creates the men you see
In 1963, psychology students were handed rats and asked to run them through a maze. Half were told their rats were bred for intelligence. The other half were told theirs were slow. The "bright" rats outperformed the "dull" ones by a significant margin.
There were no bright rats. There were no dull rats. They were the same rats. What changed was the students. How they handled them. How much patience they extended. What they expected before the rat even moved.
The rats became what they were believed to be.
If you've decided he's unreliable, you'll notice every time he forgets something and miss every time he doesn't. If you've decided he's emotionally unavailable, you'll frame his silence as withdrawal and his presence as obligation.
The story you're running about him creates the result.
I've watched women come into coaching certain their partner was broken, checked out, incapable of depth. And I've watched those same men, seen differently, spoken to differently, expected differently of, become something those women didn't think was possible.
In one day.
Because the lens changed.
This isn't about excusing men who genuinely aren't trying. Some men aren't. But most of the men I work with are trying inside a relationship where they've already been found guilty. That verdict is hard to fight. Most stop trying.
What you believe about your man is in your tone. Your body language. Your half-second pause before you answer him. He feels it even when you say nothing.
And slowly, he becomes it.
And obviously, this happens the other way around as well.
