I’ve seen this pattern again and again in the women I coach.

I’ve seen this pattern again and again in the women I coach.

They are the strong ones. The capable ones. The women who hold it all together. The ones who know how to fix, organize, nurture, and build. They’ve done the inner work, the therapy, the books, the retreats. They know how to communicate clearly, set boundaries, and hold emotional space better than most men could ever dream of.

And yet, they end up with men who feel like another project.

Men who talk big but do little. Men who love their strength but secretly lean on it. Men who say “you’re amazing” but keep taking without matching it with action.

It’s because these women learned to survive through competence.

Somewhere along the way, being capable became their safety. When love felt unpredictable, they became steady. When others dropped the ball, they picked it up. When no one came to rescue them, they rescued themselves. And so, life rewarded them with success… but in relationships, that same strength attracts the kind of man who unconsciously wants to be carried.

It’s not because they want weak partners, but because their energy says, “I can handle it.” And men who haven’t yet learned to stand on their own two feet feel safe around that. They mistake her capability for permission to relax, to stop leading, to stop growing.

At first, she’s proud to hold it all. It feels like love, like partnership, like purpose. But over time, she starts to resent him. Because no matter how much she gives, he doesn’t rise, he rests.

The sad part is that these women don’t realize that their competence can also become a form of control. When you’re always the one who knows better, who anticipates, who takes care of everything before he can even think to try, you leave no space for his masculinity to exist.

And here’s the uncomfortable truth: as long as you lead with your competence, you’ll keep attracting men who lead with their dependence.

It’s polarity in disguise.

The giver attracts the taker.

The doer attracts the drifter.

The rock attracts the river that erodes it over time (pretty proud of this writing this one).

But it doesn’t have to stay that way.

When a capable woman starts to soften, not by doing less, but by trusting more, everything changes. When she learns that she doesn’t need to prove her worth through effort, when she learns that asking for help doesn’t make her weak, and that letting a man lead doesn’t mean losing power, she stops attracting boys who want to be saved and starts attracting men who want to build.

A man who’s grounded, who knows his mission, who doesn’t need her to be his compass because he already has one. A man who wants to carry some of the weight, not just watch her carry it gracefully.

So if you’re that woman, the one who’s always been capable, maybe the next chapter isn’t about finding a stronger man.

Maybe it’s about learning to trust that your strength doesn’t need to prove your worth anymore