A couple I worked with had the same fight every Sunday night

She said, "You only touch me when you want sex. I feel like a job on your to-do list."

They were both right.

This is one of the most common problems I see in couples. One partner wants sex more often than the other. Usually it's the man, but not always. Over time both of them end up feeling unwanted, for different reasons.

For many men, sex is how they feel close and loved. When she says no, he doesn't hear "not tonight." He hears "I don't want you." After enough of those, he stops asking, because he can't handle more rejection. Then she reads his silence as him not caring anymore.

For many women, desire starts with feeling close and safe. When every touch during the day leads to the bedroom, she starts pulling away from every hug. She isn't rejecting him. She's protecting herself from feeling used.

Here's what changed things for the couples I've worked with.

The first change is touch with no agenda. One man I coached started hugging his wife in the kitchen and then going back to what he was doing. He didn't move his hands down or ask if she wanted to go to bed. After 2 weeks she told me, "I started reaching for him again, because I knew a hug was just a hug."

The second is saying no with care. One woman learned to turn her husband down without making him feel rejected. Instead of "I'm tired," she said, "I'm exhausted tonight, but I want you. Can we have Saturday morning?" He told me, "That was the first time a no didn't hurt."

The third is telling the truth about the hurt. One husband finally said it out loud in a session: "When you say no, I feel like the least attractive man alive." His wife had no idea. She thought he just wanted sex. Once she understood it was about feeling wanted, she started telling him during the day what she found attractive about him. He stopped pushing, and she stopped bracing.

The fourth is telling him what turns her on. One woman told her husband for the first time, "What makes me want you is when you take over bedtime and I get an hour to myself. Then I come back to you as a woman, not as a mum." He started doing bedtime 3 nights a week. Within a month they went from having sex once a month to once a week.

The fifth is putting it in the calendar. One couple chose Tuesday and Saturday evenings. She no longer had to dodge his advances all week, and he no longer had to ask and wait for a no. The first 2 felt awkward. By the third, they were both looking forward to it.

This is what both of you are craving. He wants to know his wife desires him. She wants to feel close and safe before she opens up to him. You can meet both needs at the same time, and when you do, the fight about how often stops.

I have 2 spaces open for couples coaching. If you do the work with me and you don't fall back in love, you get your money back.

Message me if you want one of those spaces to be yours.