A relationship coach for men: why most advice misses you

A relationship coach for men is rare. Walk into any bookshop and look at the relationship section. Almost everything on those shelves is written for women. The men who do read it often come away with 1 message: you are the problem, and you should talk about your feelings more.

I spent 8 years working with men before I ever worked with a couple. More than 1,000 of them, in retreats, workshops, circles and one to one. Here is what I learned about why most relationship advice misses men, and what helps instead.

Most men are not emotionally absent

The men I work with care a lot about their partners. Most of them would do almost anything to make her happy. The problem is that they are trying to help in a language she is not speaking.

She tells him she is overwhelmed. He tells her to hire someone to help. She feels unseen. He thinks he solved it. Both walk away confused about what just happened.

Nobody taught him that feelings are information, not problems. So he skips straight to fixing, she reads that as dismissal, and she shares more, louder. He reads that as irrational. Round they go.

What a relationship coach for men does differently

I do not ask men to become someone else. I ask them to understand what she needs from them, and then give it in a way that still feels like them.

1. We work out what she needs this week, specifically. Not in theory. On Tuesday.
2. We work out why she cannot ask for it directly, which is usually the part men never hear.
3. We practise the words, because most men know what they feel and have no idea how to say it without it coming out wrong.
4. We look at what happens in his body when she is upset, because that is where most of his reactions start.

The part nobody talks about

Men carry a lot. Stable, certain, capable. A man who handles things. That is what most women are attracted to, and it is also a weight most men carry for years without anyone noticing.

The one place a man needs to put that weight down is at home. When home becomes another place where he is being managed, questioned or corrected, he withdraws. Not because he does not care. Because he is tired, and he does not know how to say it.

Part of my work with men is giving them a place to say it. Part of it is teaching them how to say it at home, so the person who loves them can meet them there.

What changes for the couple

When a man understands what his partner needs and starts giving it, the change in the house is fast. She stops checking. He stops going quiet. The arguments get shorter. And something I hear often: she starts reaching for him again.

In my own house this did not come naturally. My wife says something and I start problem-solving in my head. She does not want the solution yet. She wants to know I am with her first. I had to learn that, and I still practise it.

What men usually get wrong at home

Not because they are bad partners. Because nobody showed them. Here are the 4 mistakes I see most.

1. Fixing before listening. She brings a feeling, he brings a plan. Ask first: "Do you want help, or do you want me to listen?"
2. Defending instead of asking. When she is upset with him, he answers the accusation. A better move is the question: "What part of this felt like I wasn't hearing you?" Then wait.
3. Giving what he would want. He gives space, respect and practical help, because that is what he would want. She may want a message in the afternoon and 10 minutes on the couch. In my ebook, Raf washed Emma's car every Saturday for 3 years. She did not care about the car.
4. Going quiet when he feels like he is failing. Silence feels safe to him. To her, it feels like he is leaving.

What she often needs most

In my experience, most women want to feel loved and cared for, on an ordinary day. Many carry a fear of being too much, or of being left once he knows her properly. The most powerful thing a man can do is give her the opposite of that fear, daily, when nothing is wrong.

1 sentence before 7am. "I love you. You looked beautiful last night and I didn't say so." Touch that is not a request. Telling her she is not too much. It sounds small. In my experience, it changes the house within 2 weeks.

What you need, too

This is not one way. Most men want to feel appreciated and respected. When a man starts meeting his partner's needs, appreciation usually comes back. And part of my work is teaching men to ask for what they need, plainly, without it coming out as a complaint.

Where to start

If you want to see where your relationship stands, take the free relationship quiz. If you want 12 weeks where you learn 1 thing she needs each week and she learns 1 thing you need, look at The New Us. If you want to work with me directly, apply for a discovery call.

Questions men ask me