A man I was working with told me in our first session, “I’m avoidant.”
He said it the way people say they’re left-handed. As if it were simply a fact about him. As if it explained everything his last 3 partners had cried about.
So I asked him, “What are you avoiding?”
He thought about it. Then he said, “Closeness, I guess.”
“Not quite. You’re avoiding responsibility. And more than that, you’re avoiding discomfort.”
He went quiet.
Because that’s what it looks like up close. She brings up something that hurt her, and the conversation feels uncomfortable, so he goes quiet until it passes. She wants to talk about the future, and that feels like pressure, so he changes the subject. She needs him to stay in the room while she’s upset, and staying feels unbearable, so he leaves.
None of that is a personality type. It’s a man afraid of discomfort, and calling it a label so he doesn’t have to change.
The label protects him. It also keeps him alone and his (ex) partner lonely.
What changed for him was simple and hard. The next time his partner got upset, he stayed. He sat there with his heart racing and said, “I want to leave right now. I’m staying anyway. Tell me what’s going on.”
She told me later that was the first time she felt he was on her side.
Avoidant isn’t who you are. It’s what you keep doing.
