It destroys their confidence, drains their lifeforce, breaks their spirit and tears down their self belief. It teaches them that nothing they do is good enough.
Here’s why it hits so hard. When you criticise someone, they hear “you’re failing.” So they defend themselves, or they shut down. It’s just human nature. Either way, nothing changes, and the same complaint comes back next week. Sounds familiar?
So what do you do when you don’t like something your partner said or did?
Criticism is a desire in disguise. Every complaint has something you want hidden inside it. “You never plan anything” means “I want to feel taken care of.” “You’re always on your phone” means “I want your attention.”
A desire only works when you turn it into a request. That’s harder, because a request is more vulnerable than blame. Blame protects you. A request shows them what you want, and they could say no.
But it’s the only version that gets you what you want.
Here’s how to do it.
1. Notice the criticism before it leaves your mouth. Ask yourself what you want instead.
2. Remember a time they already did it. It might have been once, months ago.
3. Remember how it felt when they did, and where you felt it in your body.
4. Tell them that moment and that feeling, and ask for more of it.
Instead of “You never plan anything,” try: “When you booked that dinner in March, I felt so cared for. I’d love more of that.”
My wife and I do this. When she asks for something this way, I want to give it to her straight away. When I hear criticism, I want to defend myself.
The same need comes out completely differently depending on how it’s said.
