Raf did a lot
He fixed things. He took the bins out. Every Saturday he washed Emma's car. The list goes on.
And Emma felt like Raf never did anything for her.
Raf was hurt and confused. Emma felt guilty for not being grateful, which made her resentful, which made her feel more guilty.
I asked them each to write 5 small, specific things the other could do in a normal week that would feel like care. Then swap lists, with no questions and no objections. Emma's list said: send me one message in the afternoon that isn't about logistics. Make me tea when I'm on a long call. Sit with me for 10 minutes when I get home before you tell me about your day.
Raf read it twice. Then he laughed. “I've been washing her car for 3 years,” he said. “She doesn't even care about the car.”
She didn't. She had never asked him to wash it.
He had been guessing, in the direction of what he would want.
Within a month the resentment was gone. Raf didn’t suddenly have to do ‘more’, but Emma was loved because what he did finally landed.
He still washes the car. Now he does it for himself.
