A man I worked with once told me he helped his wife all the time
He did the dishes when she asked. He took the bins out. He picked up the kids whenever she texted him to. In his mind he was a great husband, and he couldn't understand why she was always exhausted and short with him. Then she said something in our session that he still thinks about.
"I don't want you to help me. Helping means it's still my job. I want you to carry some of it."
That's when we started talking about the mental load.
Yes, it includes the chores, but the chores are the smallest part. The mental load is the noticing, the remembering, the planning and the worrying that happen before anyone picks up a sponge. With most couples unfortunately, the woman carries almost all the mental load, and the man doesn't see it until she breaks.
Take noticing, for example. One husband I coached started doing a 5-minute walk through the house every evening, looking for what needed doing without being asked. In the first week, his wife found the school forms already signed. She told me she sat in the car and cried, because for 6 years she had been the only one who even knew those forms existed.
Or owning a whole topic/area. Another men took over everything to do with the kids' health: the dentist, the vaccinations, the lice treatment that happened on a random Tuesday night. He didn't ask her where the records were, he found them himself. She said, "It's the first time in years I could relax in the evening."
It shows up in planning too. A woman told me her husband used to ask, "What do you want to do this weekend?" every Friday night. It sounded considerate, but it handed her one more decision. Now he says, "I've booked brunch on Saturday and asked your sister to take the kids for 3 hours. Does that work for you?" She told me just that one thing made her feel taken care of.
Then there's remembering the people in her life. One man set reminders for his mother-in-law's birthday, his wife's best friend's big job interview, and the anniversary of her dad's death. On that day he messaged her at 8am: "Thinking of you and your dad today. I've cleared my afternoon." She said she had never felt so held by him.
And rest. One client noticed his wife never sat down until the kids were asleep. So he started saying, "Go have a bath. I've got bedtime, and I won't come and ask you anything." The first few times, she kept coming out to check on him. Now she stays in the bath, sometimes with a glass of wine.
This is what women are craving: a man who carries his half without being asked, instead of a man who helps when he's told. He notices, plans, remembers, and gives her room to rest.
I have 2 spaces open for couples coaching. If you do the work with me and you don't fall back in love, you get your money back. Message me if you want one of those spaces to be yours.
