The single biggest factor that destroys relationships is ego

Here's the problem with ego: it feels like protection. When you've been hurt before, some part of you decides it's not going to happen again. So it builds a case. It scans for evidence that you're being wronged. It keeps score. It would rather win an argument than keep a relationship.

That's scar tissue doing the steering.

Every time ego takes over in a relationship, you move away from the other person. You might win the moment. You might get the last word or the moral high ground. But you lose ground in the thing that actually matters, which is the connection between you.

I've watched this in hundreds of couples I've worked with. I've watched it in myself. The moments I'm most certain I'm right are often the moments I'm doing the most damage. Certainty can feel like clarity, but when it comes at the cost of your partner, it's too expensive.

Ego learned somewhere that being vulnerable got you hurt, so now it intercepts. Before the vulnerability can show up, your ego has already drafted the rebuttal. The problem is it can't tell the difference between a real threat and an intimate partner who loves you.

I know this from my own marriage. When my wife tells me something I did hurt her, the first thing that rises in me is the defence. I want to explain, correct the details, and point out what she did first. If I follow that, we lost.

So here’s what I do instead.

I notice the defence rising and I don’t say it straight away. I breathe first.

I look for what she’s feeling, instead of what she’s accusing me of.

And 9 times out of 10 I would have felt the same way.

So I say the sentence ego hates most: “I can see how that hurt you. I’m sorry”

And I remember that her winning the argument doesn’t mean I lose. When she feels heard, we both win.

The next time you feel that urge to prove your point, ask yourself one question.

Do I want to be right, or close?