How to fight fair in a relationship

Fighting is not the problem. Fighting badly is. When arguments turn into attacks, defending and silence, the damage lasts long after the topic is forgotten.

8 rules for fighting fair

1. 1 topic at a time. If the dishes turn into his mother and the holiday plans, nobody wins.
2. Talk about what happened, not who they are. You left your plate on the table, not you are lazy.
3. Say what you need, not just what is wrong.
4. No mocking, eye rolling or sarcasm. Contempt does more damage than anything else.
5. Take a break when it gets too hot, and say when you will come back. 20 minutes is usually enough.
6. Listen until you can repeat their point back to them.
7. Look for your part, even if it is small.
8. Repair the same day if you can.

What a break looks like

When your heart is racing, you cannot listen. Say: I want to sort this out, I need 20 minutes. Then go for a walk, breathe, and come back. Not to win, but to understand.

Start softly

How an argument starts usually decides how it ends. A harsh start leads to defence. A soft start leads to conversation. More in how to start a difficult conversation with your partner.

Stop defending

Defending feels natural, and it keeps the fight going. Try: you are right about that part. It takes the heat out of almost any argument. See how to stop defending yourself in an argument.

Repair matters most

Couples who stay happy are not the ones who never fight. They are the ones who repair quickly. A touch, a joke, a sorry, a hug. Read what to do after a fight with your partner.

When fighting is not safe

If arguments involve threats, pushing or fear, that is not a fair fighting problem. Please get professional help and put safety first.

A practice for this week

Agree on your break sentence together, when you are calm. Pick the words now, so you can use them when it matters.

Fighting fair, step by step

1. Before you start, ask yourself: what do I want from this conversation? Usually it is to feel heard, or to change 1 thing.
2. Start with that: I want us to sort out the weekends, because I am exhausted.
3. Say it once, calmly, without the history.
4. Listen to their side until you can repeat it.
5. Look for 1 thing you can both agree on.
6. Decide 1 small next step.
7. End with something kind. Thank you for talking about this.

What to do when you get it wrong

You will. Everyone does. Raise your voice, say something unkind, walk out. The fix is the same: repair quickly. I said that badly. I am sorry. Can we try again? Couples who say this easily stay closer than couples who never fight.

Common unfair fighting habits

1. Always and never. You always do this. You never help. Nobody can agree with that, so the fight escalates.
2. Bringing up old fights. Stick to today.
3. Mind reading. You only did that to annoy me.
4. Winning on points. Being right and staying distant is not a win.
5. The cold shoulder for days. Silence as punishment does lasting damage.

How my wife and I do it

My wife and I do not argue much. Not because we agree on everything, but because we decided early that winning does not matter. When something bothers 1 of us, we say it, we listen, and we look for what we both need. When we get it wrong, we repair fast. It is simple, and it took practice.

Questions people ask