How to start a difficult conversation with your partner

Most advice on how to start a difficult conversation with your partner is about what to say. Use I statements. Be calm. Stay on topic. That helps. It is not where most hard conversations go wrong.

Most hard conversations fail in the first 10 seconds, before you have said the thing you came to say.

Why hard conversations go wrong so fast

You open with the problem. They hear an accusation. Their body does the rest. Inside half a minute you are both defending, and nobody is listening.

It does not matter how carefully you phrased it. If they do not know what kind of conversation this is, they will assume the worst and protect themselves.

The fix: tell them what the conversation is before you start it

Say what this is. Say what it is not. Say how long it will take, and what you want from them at the end. Then say the hard thing.

It feels artificial the first time. Do it anyway. Artificial and heard beats natural and defended.

The money talk that took 15 minutes

In my ebook I write about Nina and Sam. Every conversation they had about money turned into a 3 hour fight, so they stopped having them. For about a year.

Meanwhile Nina was lying awake worrying. Every time she started, Sam heard an accusation and the shutters came down.

We practised the opening, not the content. Nina wrote it on her phone so she would not lose her nerve:

"I want to talk about money for 10 minutes. You haven't done anything wrong. I'm scared, and I just want you to hear me. At the end, all I need is for you to say thank you."

Sam said afterwards that the words "you haven't done anything wrong" were the reason he could listen. He did not have to get ready to defend himself.

She talked for 8 minutes. He said thank you. Then, without being asked, he said, "Can we look at it together on Sunday?" The whole thing took 15 minutes. They now have a money talk on the first Sunday of every month.

How to start a difficult conversation with your partner: 4 steps

1. Ask for the conversation instead of starting it. "Can I talk to you about something for 10 minutes tonight?"
2. Say plainly that they have done nothing wrong. If they have, say what this conversation is for instead: "I'm not looking for an apology tonight. I want you to understand how it landed."
3. Give it a time limit, and say what you want at the end. "At the end, I'd just like you to say thank you for telling me."
4. Then say the thing you came to say.

Examples you can use

"Hey. I want to share something that's coming up for me. It would mean a lot if you could hear me out for 5 minutes and then just thank me for sharing."

"You haven't done anything wrong. I'd like to feel closer to you, and this is how I know how to do that."

"This is not a conversation about leaving. I want us to be closer. There's something in the way."

Choose your moment

1. Not at 10pm when you are both exhausted.
2. Not in the car on the way to their parents.
3. Not by message, unless that is the only way you can say it.
4. Not in the middle of another argument.

Pick a calm time and ask for it in advance. Even an hour's notice lets them arrive ready to listen.

When they react anyway

Sometimes they will still get defensive. Do not push harder. Go back to the frame. "I know this sounds like an accusation. It isn't. I just want you to hear it."

If it escalates, stop. "Let's pause. I'd like to try again tomorrow." A paused conversation is not a failed one.

What changes

Couples who use this report hard conversations dropping from a whole evening to about 20 minutes. You get heard the first time. No repeat conversation, no bringing it up again on Sunday.

The strange part is how little the content has to change. The same sentence that started a 2 hour argument last month gets received without incident. What changed was what they knew before you said it.

In my house

I resist this one because it feels like paperwork. Every time I have used it, the conversation was 20 minutes instead of a night.

What to do after the conversation

Thank them for listening, even if it was hard. Do not go back over it that night. Give it a day. If there is a next step, like looking at the budget together, set a time for it. Then do something ordinary and kind. A cup of tea, a walk, a hug. It tells both of you that hard conversations are survivable, and makes the next one easier.

Where to start

Take the free relationship quiz to see where you stand. The Ten Secrets has this practice and 9 more. For a month that builds these into habits, see the 30 Day Challenge. If there is a conversation you cannot have alone, apply for a discovery call.

Questions about hard conversations