How to stop defending yourself in an argument with your partner

If you are trying to work out how to stop defending yourself in an argument, you have probably noticed the pattern. Your partner says something. It feels unfair. You correct it. They get louder. You correct that too. An hour later you are both exhausted, and nothing is better.

Defending yourself feels like the right thing to do. It is usually the thing keeping the argument alive.

Why we defend

When someone we love tells us we have hurt them, our body hears danger. Danger of being the bad guy. Danger of being found out as not good enough. Danger of losing them.

So we protect ourselves. We bring facts. We bring dates. We explain why it was not our fault, or why they did something worse first.

For many men this is the fear of not being good enough doing its job. For many women it is the fear of being too much, or of being left. Either way, the defence is a fear in action, not a choice.

What defending does to your partner

Your partner came to you with a hurt. When you defend, what they hear is: your hurt is wrong. So they try harder to make you see it. That looks like getting louder, bringing up the past, or crying.

You read that as escalation, and defend harder. Round you go.

In my ebook I write about Josh, who had dates and messages to prove he was right about the babysitter. He was right about almost all of it. Every time he proved it, things got worse. He said later he had been winning arguments for years and losing his wife while he did it.

How to stop defending yourself in an argument: 5 steps

1. Notice the urge. It often shows up in the body first. A tight jaw, heat in the face, a sentence already forming that starts with "that's not what happened."
2. Do not say the sentence. Breathe out slowly instead. You can always defend yourself later if it is still needed. It usually is not.
3. Get curious about their hurt. Ask: "What part of this felt like I wasn't hearing you?" Then wait.
4. Reflect back what you heard. "So when I said of course without looking up, you felt like I didn't want to be with you." Not agreeing, not arguing. Just showing you heard.
5. Take responsibility for your part, and only your part. "I didn't look up. I'm sorry." No "but."

The thing that makes it easier

When you go looking for their hurt, you stop being the one on trial. You do not need to defend yourself, because you are no longer the subject.

What you find is usually not about you. It is a moment they did not feel met. Sometimes it happened tonight. Often it happened long before they met you.

That is a huge relief. The thing you were defending against was often not an accusation at all. It was a hurt, asking for attention.

But what if they are wrong?

Sometimes your partner will have the facts wrong. You did text. You did book the babysitter. You were not late.

You can say that later, once they feel heard. Most of the time, by then, the facts do not matter much to either of you. If they still do, they are easier to talk about calmly.

Being right and being close are often in competition. In the middle of an argument, choose close.

What if they are attacking you?

Not defending yourself does not mean accepting abuse. If your partner is calling you names, threatening you or frightening you, that is not an argument. Leave the room, and get support.

Most couples are not in that place. Most are 2 people who love each other, defending against hurts that were never accusations in the first place.

For the partner who feels defended against

If your partner defends every time you raise something, try telling them first what the conversation is. "You haven't done anything wrong. I just want you to hear me for 5 minutes." Many people stop defending as soon as they know they are not on trial.

What changes

Arguments get shorter, usually within the first week. The person who was hurt feels heard, so they calm down. The person who stopped defending often feels lighter too. You do not have to win any more.

In my house

I used to answer the accusation, and I was good at it. Now I ask the question about half the time. On the nights I ask it, we go to bed on good terms. On the nights I defend, we do not.

A small experiment

Next time you feel the urge to correct the facts, write the correction down instead of saying it. After the conversation, look at what you wrote. Most people find that, by the end, the correction no longer matters to them.

Where to start

Take the free relationship quiz to see where you are. Read how to stop having the same argument. For all 10 practices I use with couples, read The Ten Secrets. For 1:1 help, apply for a discovery call.

Questions about defensiveness