What to do after a fight with your partner

Knowing what to do after a fight with your partner matters more than most couples think. Every couple fights. The ones that last are not the ones who never argue. They are the ones who know how to come back afterwards.

Here is the repair process I teach couples, step by step.

First, let your body calm down

After a fight, your body is still in it. Your heart is fast, your jaw is tight, your thoughts are running the argument again with better lines. Nothing useful gets said in that state.

1. Take a break, and say so. "I need 20 minutes. I'm coming back." The second sentence is important. Walking out without it feels like abandonment.
2. Move your body. A walk, a shower, a few minutes outside.
3. Do not rehearse the argument. You will only find better ways to win, which is not what you want.

Score it out of 10

While you are calming down, ask yourself how big your reaction was, out of 10. Then ask how big what happened was, out of 10.

If your reaction was an 8 and what happened was a 3, the difference is yours. It is usually from long before tonight. That does not make your feeling wrong. It does change what you say next.

In my ebook, Lena and Marco used to fight until 1am when he was late. Now Lena says the number out loud. "This is an 8, and you're a 3." Marco puts his arms around her instead of arguing with the other 5.

What to do after a fight with your partner: the repair

1. Go back when you said you would. Even if you are still a little upset.
2. Start with the hurt, not the facts. Ask: "What part of that felt like I wasn't hearing you?" Then listen.
3. Say your part. Just your part. "I raised my voice. I'm sorry I did that." Do not add "but."
4. Name what you were feeling under it. "I think I got so loud because I felt like I was failing you."
5. Touch, if it is welcome. A hand on their arm. A hug. Bodies often make up faster than words.
6. Decide if anything practical needs to happen. Sometimes it does. Often, once both people feel heard, the original problem is small.

The apology that works

A good apology names what you did, how it landed, and what you will do differently. "I walked away while you were still talking. That probably felt like I didn't care. Next time I'll say I need a break and come back."

A bad apology is "sorry you feel that way," or "sorry, but you started it." Both restart the fight.

What not to do after a fight

1. Do not give the silent treatment for days. A cool-down is an hour. A punishment is a week.
2. Do not pretend it did not happen. Fights that are never repaired leave a small mark. Enough small marks become distance.
3. Do not tell friends or family the details before you have talked to each other.
4. Do not bring it up again next week as ammunition.

If the same fight keeps coming back

A fight that repeats is not about the topic. Someone did not feel heard, seen or understood, and that has not been addressed. Read how to stop having the same argument.

Repair the next morning

Fights often happen at night when everyone is tired. If you could not repair it before bed, do it first thing. 1 sentence before either of you picks up a phone. "I'm sorry about last night. I love you." It makes the rest of the day possible.

What changes when you repair well

Couples who repair well are not afraid of disagreement. They know that a fight is not the end of anything. That safety makes them more open with each other the rest of the time, and less likely to bottle things up until they explode.

In my house

My wife and I still fight. What changed is how long it lasts. We use the number. Said out loud, it is the difference between a whole evening and 20 minutes.

A repair script you can use

If you do not know what to say, use this. Change the words to fit you.

"I want to come back to earlier. I'm sorry I raised my voice. I think I got so loud because I felt like you weren't hearing me, and that's an old feeling for me. What part of it felt bad for you?"

Then listen. When they have finished, say what you heard. "So when I walked out, it felt like I didn't care." Then, if it fits, touch them. A hand on the arm, a hug.

It does not need to be perfect. It needs to happen. Most couples find that once they have repaired a few fights this way, the fights themselves start to get shorter and softer, because both people know there is a way back.

Where to start

Take the free relationship quiz to see where you are. The Ten Secrets has the practices I use with every couple, including the question and the number. The 30 Day Challenge turns them into daily habits.

Questions about fights