How to choose a relationship coach you can trust

There is no licence for relationship coaching. That is not a reason to avoid it, but it is a reason to choose carefully. A good coach can change your relationship in a few months. A poor fit costs you money and, worse, hope.

Here is what I would look for if I were choosing a coach for myself.

1. They live what they teach

Ask about their own relationship. Not for the details, but for the direction. A coach who has been through the hard years and come out closer has something no course can give them.

For me that is my marriage. My wife and I have had the same fights, the same distance and the same sleepless nights as the couples I work with. We found our way back, and that is what I teach.

2. They give you something to do

Insight is nice. Change is better. After every session you should know exactly what you will do differently this week. If you leave sessions feeling understood but nothing changes at home, something is missing.

3. They have worked with people like you

Ask who they usually work with. Couples? Men? Single women? Parents of young children? Experience with your situation matters more than a long list of certificates.

I spent 8 years coaching more than 1,000 men before I started working with couples. Since then I have worked with more than 100 couples. That shapes how I work: practical, specific, and with a separate practice for each partner.

4. They know where coaching ends

A good coach tells you when you need a therapist instead. Trauma, addiction, violence or a mental health crisis need professional treatment first. If a coach promises to fix everything, be careful.

Not sure of the difference? I wrote about couples coaching vs couples therapy.

5. You feel safe and challenged

The right coach makes you feel safe enough to be open, and challenged enough to change. Too much comfort and nothing moves. Too much challenge and you shut down. Notice how you feel after the first call.

Questions to ask on a first call

1. Who do you usually work with?
2. What will we do in a session, and what will I do between sessions?
3. How long do people usually work with you, and what does done look like?
4. When do you refer people to a therapist?
5. What happens if it is not working?

Red flags

1. Guarantees that your partner will come back or change.
2. Pressure to sign up on the first call.
3. A coach who talks more about themselves than about you.
4. Vague answers about what you will do between sessions.

How I work

Every private client starts with a free discovery call. We look at where you are, and whether coaching is the right step. Sometimes the answer is that you need something smaller first, like The 30 Day Challenge, or something different, like a therapist. I will tell you either way.

Read more about private coaching.

Coach, counsellor or therapist?

These words get mixed up, so here is the simple version. A therapist or counsellor is trained to treat mental health problems and old trauma, and often works with the past. A relationship coach works with what you do now, in your relationship, to get a different result.

Many people benefit from both. If you are struggling with depression, anxiety that stops you living your life, addiction or trauma, start with a therapist. If you are mostly healthy but stuck in a pattern with your partner, a coach is often faster.

Couples coach or individual coach?

If you are in a relationship and both of you want to work on it, a coach who works with couples sees the whole picture. If your partner is not ready, start on your own. When 1 person changes how they show up, the relationship changes too. Many of the couples I work with started that way.

What a good first call feels like

After a good first call you should feel 3 things. Understood: the coach got what is going on without you having to explain it 3 times. Clearer: you see something about the pattern you did not see before. And hopeful: you know what the next step would be.

If you leave the call feeling judged, confused or pushed, that coach is probably not the right fit, however good their website is.

Why fit matters more than technique

Most coaching methods share the same core: see the pattern, change 1 behaviour, repeat. What makes the difference is whether you trust the person enough to be open, and whether they are direct enough to tell you what you need to hear. That is why the first call matters so much. It is not a sales call. It is a test of fit, in both directions.

A short checklist

1. They have worked with your situation before.
2. They give you something to do every week.
3. They are clear about where coaching ends and therapy begins.
4. You felt safe and challenged on the first call.
5. They did not pressure you.

If you can tick all 5, you have probably found a good coach.

Questions people ask