Do you want to know a simple secret that will diffuse almost all conflict?

"What did you make it mean?"

Last weekend my wife and I were out with our daughter. We sat down in a cabana next to the pool and I pulled out my Kindle. I immediately noticed her energy shift.

I asked what was going on. She said: "I want to know what's going to happen when we get divorced."

My old self would have answered that question directly. He would have defended himself, or explained, or reassured her about divorce logistics. And she wouldn't actually have felt better.

Instead I asked when she started thinking about this. She said: "When you started reading your book." I asked what she made it mean. "That you don't want to talk to me." And that meant? "That you don't like me." And that meant? "That I need to protect myself from you." And then the divorce question.

One man reading on a Sunday afternoon became evidence she wasn't safe with me. That's how the mind works when it's protecting itself.

Instead of answering the question she asked, I answered the question underneath it, which was “Do you still like me?”

So I told her why I liked her, why I loved her, what she means to me. She felt so loved again.

"What did you make it mean?" Try the question, it can work wonders.