How to reconnect with your partner after having a baby

If you are trying to work out how to reconnect with your partner after having a baby, you are in good company. The first year with a child is one of the hardest years for any couple, and almost nobody warns you how far apart you can drift while you are both doing your best.

I am a father myself, and my wife and I have been through it. Here is what I see in my own house and in the couples I work with.

Why a baby pulls couples apart

A baby does not create problems in a relationship. It takes away the time and energy you were using to cover them.

1. You are both exhausted. Sleep loss makes everyone shorter, more sensitive and less patient.
2. The roles change overnight. Often 1 of you is home with the baby and 1 of you is back at work. Each of you is sure the other has the easier day.
3. Touch is used up. A parent who has held a baby all day can feel touched out by evening. The other partner reads that as rejection.
4. Sex stops. Not by decision. You are both waiting to feel like it, at the same time, on a night when nobody is exhausted. That night rarely comes.
5. All conversation becomes logistics. Feeds, naps, who is doing what tomorrow.

The story of Sara and Michael

In my ebook I write about Sara and Michael. After their son was born, they did not have sex for 7 months. Neither of them decided that. Michael stopped reaching for her because he did not want to be turned down. Sara read that as him not wanting her any more.

When I suggested they put intimacy in the diary, Sara laughed out loud. Michael looked at the floor. We agreed on 2 evenings a week, with no expectation about where it went. 15 minutes of touch that did not have to lead anywhere.

The first 2 were stiff. Then the week after, Sara sent Michael a message at lunchtime. One word: "Tonight." Their scheduled evening has its own name now, and she starts looking forward to it the day before.

How to reconnect with your partner after having a baby: 6 steps

1. Say 1 kind sentence before the day starts. Before the phones, before the baby needs anything if you can manage it. Name something specific. "Thank you for getting up at 3 so I could sleep." It sounds small. It carries you both to the evening.
2. Tell each other exactly what would help. Each write 5 small, specific things the other could do in a normal week that would feel like care. Swap lists. Ask no questions. Do 2 this week. Most new parents are guessing at what helps, and guessing wrong.
3. Score your reactions out of 10. Tired parents overreact. When you feel an 8 about a 3, say so out loud. "This feels like an 8, and I know what happened is maybe a 3. I am exhausted." It ends the argument about who is overreacting.
4. Protect 10 minutes a day that is about you two. Not the baby. Not the house. Sit together after the bedtime routine with phones in another room.
5. Schedule intimacy. Start with touch that does not have to lead anywhere. The aim is to feel close again, not to perform.
6. Thank the parent who is home. Out loud, and specifically. Unpaid work at home is mostly invisible, and invisible work builds resentment.

For fathers

Your partner is likely to be feeling that her body, her time and her identity all belong to someone else right now. What helps most is not fixing. It is being with her. Hold the baby so she can shower without listening for crying. Tell her she is beautiful on a day she does not feel it. Do not wait to be asked.

For mothers

Your partner may be feeling shut out, useless around the baby and unsure of where he fits. What helps most is letting him do things his way, even when it is not your way, and thanking him for the specific thing he did. A man who feels he is succeeding at home comes home earlier.

When it is more than tiredness

If either of you feels hopeless, numb, unable to enjoy anything, or has thoughts of harm, please speak to a doctor. Postnatal depression affects mothers and fathers, and it is treatable. Coaching is not the right first step for that.

A note on the first 3 months

In the first 3 months, survival is enough. Be kind to each other about that. The steps above are for when you have a little room again. Even then, start with the smallest one.

Where to start

Take the free relationship quiz together on a quiet evening. It takes 2 minutes and gives you a starting point. The 30 Day Challenge is 15 minutes a day each, which is about what new parents have. If you want 12 weeks of support with live calls, see The New Us.

Questions new parents ask