We both figured out, even before we met each other, that arguing doesn't actually do anything. It just decides who's right and who's wrong, and that leaves both people feeling worse than before.
So we don't go there.
Instead we talk about impact. Never about intention, impact. Whatever happened, whatever was said, we own the effect it had. We get curious about each other's hurt. We try to love the part of the other person that's in pain, even when we're the one who caused it.
That's harder than it sounds. You can't do it when your nervous system is still fired up. So we don't try when we are both dysregulated.
When we are, we don't bicker. We don't run the argument in circles until someone breaks. We hug, or we take some space, or sometimes we just look at each other and say "this sucks" and agree that it does. That's enough to keep the connection intact while we wait to come back down.
The arguing version of a relationship feels like it's moving towards a resolution but in reality it often isn't. It's just noise.
Have you ever had a 2 hour argument and you didn’t feel any better, and then took 5 minutes to breath and relax and suddenly it's all good? Do that instead.
