The first time I coached a group of women in finding a healthy committed man, what surprised me most was that most women on a date are trying to figure out if the man likes them

But it means they're not asking the other question: what does it actually take for him to like you?

In a practical sense.

Men are not complicated. A man wants to know his effort landed. That's it. He picked the restaurant, or he drove across town, or he planned something he thought you'd enjoy, and somewhere inside him there's a quiet question he would never ask out loud: did that matter to you?

Most women never answer it. Because they're too focused on whether he's showing up for them to notice they're not showing up for him.

So he leaves the date not knowing. And you leave the date not knowing. And both of you had a decent enough time but nothing catches.

Here's what changes things. You look at him and you say: "You picked a really great place for dinner tonight. Thank you. That's really sweet, you put effort into that. It makes me feel cared for."

That man won't be able to sleep that night. He'll be thinking about you the whole time.

Because you answered the question he couldn't ask. You told him his effort was enough. And when you tell a man he is enough, something in him relaxes.

That scared little boy in him finally feels seen.

And when he feels that safe with you, something shifts. He stops performing and starts giving. He loves you in ways that might finally let the scared little girl in you relax too.

It goes both ways.

But someone has to go first.