Most arguments between men and women aren't really arguments
They're two people having completely different conversations without knowing it.
She tells him she's overwhelmed. He tells her to hire someone to help. She feels unseen. He thinks he solved it. Both of them walk away confused about what just happened.
Here's what's actually going on: When a woman shares something challenging, she's usually sharing how it feels to be inside it. When a man responds, he's usually sharing what he's thinking about how to get her out of it. Neither is wrong. But they're operating in completely different perspectives, and nobody told them that.
So she thinks he doesn't care. He thinks she doesn't want his help. They're both right about what they felt. They're both wrong about what the other person meant.
I've watched this play out in my own home. My wife says something. I immediately start problem-solving in my head. She doesn't want the solution yet. She wants to know I'm actually with her first. I had to learn that. It didn't come naturally.
The men I work with aren't emotionally absent. Most of them care deeply about their women. They just weren't taught that feelings are information, not problems. So they skip straight to fixing. And she interprets that as dismissal, which makes her share more, louder, with more intensity. And he interprets that as irrational. And round they go.
If you've ever thought your man doesn't listen, it might be worth asking whether you two have ever actually talked about this difference. Just honestly. Because he probably thinks he is listening. He's just listening for where to help, not for what you need him to feel.
It's a different operating system.
And once you both know that, the whole thing gets a lot less personal.
