What women need from men in a relationship

Every few months a man asks me some version of what women need from men in a relationship. Usually he has been trying hard and missing. He wants the list.

Every woman is different, and the only way to know what your partner needs is to ask her. But after 8 years of working with men and then with couples, I see the same things come up again and again. Here they are.

1. To feel loved and cared for

Most women I work with want to feel loved and cared for, on an ordinary day. Not only on birthdays. Not only after a fight.

Many carry a fear of being unloveable, of being too much, or of being left once he knows her properly. The more often she hears and feels the opposite, the safer she feels.

What it looks like: 1 sentence before 7am, telling her you love her and naming something specific. Touch that is not a request. Telling her she is not too much, on a day nothing is wrong.

2. To be heard before she is helped

When she shares a feeling, she usually wants you with her before she wants a solution. Ask: "Do you want help, or do you want me to listen?"

Read how to be a better listener for your wife.

3. To not carry everything

Many women in long-term relationships carry the mental load of the house. Who needs what, when the dentist is, what is for dinner, whose birthday is next week. It is invisible work, and it is exhausting.

What it looks like: take full charge of some areas. Not "tell me what to do." Own it. In my ebook I call these banners. One person carries an area, the other supports and does not second-guess.

4. To feel safe with him

Safe in the body, not only in theory. A man who stays steady when she is upset, who does not explode or disappear, gives her a nervous system she can lean on.

What it looks like: stay in the room when she is upset. Breathe. Do not defend. Do not leave without saying when you will come back.

5. To be chosen, again and again

Being married is not the same as feeling chosen. Many women tell me they feel like part of the furniture.

What it looks like: plan something without being asked. Look at her across the room at a party. Tell her what you find attractive, without it leading to sex.

6. Leadership without control

Many women want a man who can lead. Make a decision, have a direction, hold the family steady. They do not want a man who controls them.

The difference is whether her voice is part of the decision. Read how to lead without controlling.

7. To be seen

Not the managed version. All of her. Her fears, her ambitions, the things she has never said. And she often needs to see you, too. A man who shares nothing is hard to feel close to.

In my ebook I write about Liam, who hid for 2 years that he had been passed over for a promotion. His wife Jess felt the distance and thought it was her fault. When he finally told her, she cried, not about the job, but about the 2 years.

8. Specific care

Love said vaguely does not arrive. "I would do anything for you" gives her nothing to receive. Ask her to write 5 small, specific things you could do in a normal week. Then do them.

What men often get wrong

1. Giving what they would want. Many men give respect, space and practical help, because that is what they want. She may want something else.
2. Waiting to be told. Many women stop asking after a while. Silence is not always peace.
3. Thinking big gestures make up for daily absence. They do not.

And what men need

This is not a one way list. Most men want to feel appreciated and respected. When a man gives a woman what she needs, she often finds it much easier to give him what he needs. Read what men need but won't ask for.

How to find out what your partner needs

Ask her to write 5 small, specific things you could do in a normal week that would feel like care. Ask no questions, make no objections. Then do 2 of them this week, and not the easy 2.

In my ebook, Raf did this with Emma after years of washing her car every Saturday. Her list asked for a message in the afternoon, a tea during long calls, and 10 minutes on the couch when she got home. Within a month, the resentment was gone. Not because he did more. Because what he did finally landed.

Where to start

Ask her. Take the free relationship quiz together and talk about your answers. For 12 weeks where you learn 1 thing she needs each week and she learns 1 thing you need, see The New Us. For 1:1 coaching for men, apply for a discovery call.

Questions men ask me