How to lead without controlling in your relationship

Many women tell me they want a man who leads. Many men hear that and get confused. Does she want me to make all the decisions? Then why does she get upset when I do? Learning how to lead without controlling is one of the most useful things a man can do for his relationship.

I have worked with more than 1,000 men on this. Here is the difference as I teach it.

What leadership is not

Leadership is not making every decision. It is not having the final say on everything. It is not telling her what to do, or deciding for her what she should feel.

That is control. Control makes the other person smaller. Many women who were attracted to a strong man end up feeling managed by him, and the attraction goes.

What leadership is

Leadership at home is taking responsibility for the direction and the feeling of the relationship. It is noticing what needs doing before it is asked. It is staying steady when things get hard. It is making a decision when one needs making, after her voice has been heard.

A man who leads makes his partner feel safer and freer, not smaller.

The test

After you have led, does she have more room or less?

If she feels heard, safe and free to be herself, that was leadership. If she feels overruled, managed or afraid to disagree, that was control.

How to lead without controlling: 7 practices

1. Ask before you decide. "I'm thinking we book the trip for March. What do you think?" Then listen, and change your mind if she gives you a reason.
2. Carry things, fully. Take charge of an area of your shared life and own it without being reminded. In my ebook I call these banners. Finances, holidays, the car, the weekend plans. One person carries each. The other supports and does not second-guess.
3. Plan without being asked. Book the dinner. Arrange the babysitter. Take the thinking off her for 1 evening. Few things say leadership more clearly to a tired partner.
4. Stay steady when she is upset. Do not explode, do not disappear, do not defend. Breathe, and ask what part felt like you were not hearing her. A man who can stay present in her storm is leading.
5. Lead by going first. Say the vulnerable thing first. Apologise first. Reach for her first after a fight. That takes more strength than any decision.
6. Hold the direction. Talk about where you want to be in 5 years. Keep bringing it back when life gets busy. Many couples drift because nobody is holding the bigger picture.
7. Let her lead where she is better. Leadership includes knowing when to follow. If she carries connection or the home or the kids' schedule better, back her.

What control often looks like

1. Deciding how she should feel. "You shouldn't be upset about that."
2. Correcting how she does things. Loading the dishwasher, parenting, driving.
3. Holding the money in a way that leaves her with no say.
4. Making plans for both of you without asking.
5. Going quiet as punishment until she gives in.

If any of these are familiar, you are not a bad man. You are probably trying to feel safe. Control is often fear, dressed up as strength.

Why it matters so much

Many women want to relax. Not to give up their power, but to put it down sometimes. They can only do that with a man they trust not to use it against them.

When a man leads well, she does not have to carry everything. She can be soft without being unsafe. That is often when attraction comes back.

For women reading this

If your partner leans towards control, try telling him what leadership looks like to you, specifically. "When you booked the weekend away and asked me which dates worked, I felt so looked after." Most men will repeat what they hear works.

In my house

My wife carries the home and our daughter's days. I carry the money and the future. We swapped 1 banner last year and it took a month to stop stepping on each other. Leading well, for me, means asking her more than I want to.

A week of practice

Each day this week, do 1 thing from the list above. Monday: ask before deciding. Tuesday: plan 1 thing without being asked. Wednesday: stay steady through 1 upset. Thursday: go first with something vulnerable. Friday: name the direction you want for the year. Weekend: let her lead something she is better at, and back her.

At the end of the week, ask her what she noticed. Her answer will tell you more about leadership than any book.

Where to start

Read what women need from men in a relationship and my earlier post about why a man who leads can feel controlling. Take the free relationship quiz. For 1:1 coaching for men, apply for a discovery call.

Questions men ask me