What men need but won't ask for in a relationship
What men need but won't ask for, from a coach who has worked with 1,000+ men: the quiet needs under the silence, and how partners can meet them.
After 8 years of working with men in retreats, workshops, circles and one to one, I have heard a lot of things they have never said to their partners. This post is about what men need but won't ask for.
Not because they are hiding it on purpose. Because nobody ever told them it was allowed.
1. To be told he is doing well
Many men carry a quiet fear of not being good enough. At work, as a father, as a partner. He will rarely say so. He may not even know it.
What he needs: to hear, on an ordinary day, that he is doing well. Specifically. "You handled that call with your brother so well." Most men go years without hearing it.
2. A place to put the weight down
Men carry a lot. Stable, certain, capable. A man who handles things. That is what many women are attracted to, and it is also a weight most men carry for years without anyone noticing.
The place a man most needs to put that weight down is at home. When home becomes another place where he is managed, questioned or corrected, he withdraws.
What he needs: a home where he does not have to perform. Where he can be tired, unsure or sad without it becoming a problem.
3. To be wanted
Many men stop reaching for their partners after being turned down a few times. Not because they stopped wanting. Because rejection hurts, and they do not talk about it.
What he needs: to be reached for. To be wanted, not only allowed. Many men are deeply moved when their partner initiates.
4. Respect for his decisions
Being second-guessed on everything slowly convinces a man he cannot get it right. He stops trying.
What he needs: "I trust you with this." And then to be left to do it his way.
5. To be asked about himself
Many men are never asked how they are, in any depth, by anyone. Their friendships often run on jokes and sport.
What he needs: a question that goes 1 level deeper. "What's been weighing on you this week?" Then patience while he finds the words.
6. Permission to not have the answer
Many men believe they have to fix every problem their partner brings. When they cannot, they feel like they have failed.
What he needs: to hear that sometimes listening is enough. "I don't need you to fix this. I just want you here." That is a huge relief to many men.
7. Time with other men
Many men have lost their friendships to work and family. They feel it, and they do not say it.
What he needs: encouragement to see his friends, without guilt. Men with strong friendships often bring more to their relationships.
8. To be seen as he is
Many men keep a managed version of themselves at home. Competent, fine, handling it. Under that are fears, failures and hopes he has never said.
In my ebook I write about Liam, who hid for 2 years that he had been passed over for a promotion. He told Jess he had turned it down. The secret kept him at a distance. When he finally said it, Jess cried, not about the job, but because for 2 years she had felt him far away and thought it was her fault. They talked until 2 in the morning.
What he needs: to know it is safe to tell you the truth.
How to give him what he will not ask for
- Start with 1 sentence of appreciation every morning. Specific. On the day.
- Ask 1 deeper question a week, side by side rather than face to face.
- When he shares something vulnerable, thank him. Do not fix it, do not use it later.
- Reach for him.
- Let him do things his way.
For men reading this
You are allowed to ask. Most partners would love to give you these things. They do not know you need them, because you have never said. Use 3 parts: what you held back, what you were scared they would think, and what you need from them.
How to start this week
Pick 2 from the list. For most couples, appreciation in the morning and 1 deeper question during the week are the easiest places to start. Do them every day for 2 weeks.
Then ask him, on a calm evening, what he noticed. Many men will tell you something they have never said, simply because the door has been opened for long enough.
Where to start
Read what women need from men in a relationship and why men withdraw in relationships. Take the free relationship quiz. For coaching for men, apply for a discovery call. For couples, see The New Us, where each of you learns 1 thing the other needs each week.
Questions about what men need
What does a man need emotionally from a woman?
In my experience, appreciation, respect, and a home where he can put the weight down.
Why won't my husband tell me what he needs?
Often because he was never taught that his needs matter, or because he is afraid of seeming weak.
How do I get my partner to open up?
Start with appreciation, ask small questions side by side, and make it safe by not fixing or judging what he shares.
Do all men need the same things?
No. These are patterns I see often, not rules. The best way to know what your partner needs is to ask, and to keep asking.
How can I make it safe for him to tell me?
Thank him for what he shares, do not fix it unless he asks, and never use it against him in an argument.
