Why men withdraw in relationships, and how to reach them

If you are trying to understand why men withdraw in relationships, you have probably lived it. He goes quiet. He stays later at work. He disappears into his phone, the garage or the gym. You try to get close, and he moves further away.

After 8 years working with men, more than 1,000 of them, I can tell you this. Most men who withdraw are not cold. They are scared.

The fear under the withdrawal

In my work, the deepest fear I see in men is the fear of not being good enough. Of failing. Of being seen as weak. Of being found out.

When a man feels he is failing at home, he does what that fear knows how to do. He goes quiet. He removes himself from the place where he might fail again.

From the outside, it looks like he does not care. From the inside, it often feels like he cares too much and does not know what to do.

The loop

In my ebook I write about Rachel and Tom. Rachel asked Tom "are we OK?" several times a week. Tom answered by going quiet. He stayed later at work. He stopped telling her about his day.

The quieter he got, the more she asked. The more she asked, the quieter he got.

Rachel was terrified she was too much and that he would leave. Tom was terrified he was failing her. Every "are we OK?" sounded to him like a score he had lost.

Neither of them could see the fear driving their own half of it.

Other reasons men withdraw

1. He feels criticised or managed at home. Home becomes another place where he is judged.
2. He does not have words for what he feels. Many men were never taught. Going quiet is safer than saying it wrong.
3. He is overwhelmed. Work, money, children. He needs to put the weight down and does not know how to ask for that.
4. He is hiding something. Not always something big. A failure, a worry, a feeling he is ashamed of. In my ebook, Liam hid for 2 years that he had been passed over for a promotion. The secret kept him at a distance about everything.
5. He is depressed. Withdrawal is one of the most common signs of depression in men, and one of the most missed.

What does not help

1. Chasing. The more you push, the more he retreats.
2. Asking "what's wrong?" over and over. To him it can sound like proof he is failing.
3. Criticising the withdrawal. "You never talk to me" makes talking feel even less safe.

What helps when a man withdraws

1. Give him proof he is doing well. Thank him for 1 specific thing on the day he did it. Tell him you trust his decision. Tell him he is doing well at the thing he is most afraid of failing at. In my ebook, Rachel did this every day. By the end of the second week, Tom was home by 6.
2. Make home a place he can put the weight down. Not another place where he is managed. Let him do things his way.
3. Tell him what the conversation is before you start it. "You haven't done anything wrong. I miss you. I just want to sit with you for a bit." That removes the threat.
4. Sit beside him, not across from him. Many men talk more easily side by side. In the car, on a walk, doing something with their hands.
5. Ask smaller questions. Not "how are you feeling about us?" Try "what was the worst bit of your day?"
6. Give him time. Many men need to process alone before they can share. Space with a return time is different from abandonment.

For men reading this

If you are the one withdrawing, you are not a bad partner. You are probably trying to protect yourself, and her, from something. Going quiet will not protect either of you. Say 1 small true thing. "I've been quiet because I feel like I'm failing at work, and I didn't want to bring it home." That sentence can change a month.

When it might be more

If he has withdrawn from everything, not only from you, and seems flat, hopeless or not himself, it may be depression. Encourage him to see a doctor.

What a man needs to come back

In my experience, a withdrawn man comes back when 3 things are true. He feels he is doing well at home, not failing. He feels safe to share without being fixed or judged. And he knows the door is open, with no punishment waiting for him when he walks through it.

You cannot force those things. You can make them more likely, with daily appreciation, small questions, and a home that feels like a place to rest rather than a place to be assessed.

Where to start

Read what men need but won't ask for and how to make your husband feel appreciated. Take the free relationship quiz. For 1:1 help, apply for a discovery call.

Questions about men who withdraw