How to make your husband feel appreciated
How to make your husband feel appreciated in a way he will feel: why most men go without it, and simple daily habits that change how he shows up at home.
Many women ask me how to make your husband feel appreciated. Usually they already say thank you. They already notice. And he still seems tired, flat or distant at home.
Here is what I have learned from working with more than 1,000 men about the kind of appreciation that lands.
Why appreciation matters so much to many men
In my experience, most men want to feel appreciated and respected more than almost anything else in a relationship. Under that is often the fear of not being good enough. Of failing at the thing he is most trying to get right.
A man who feels appreciated at home feels he is succeeding there. A man who feels he is succeeding at home comes home earlier, talks more and reaches for his partner.
A man who feels he is failing at home goes quiet.
Why general thanks often does not land
"Thanks for everything" is kind. It is also vague. He does not know which thing, or whether it mattered.
Specific appreciation, said on the day, about the exact thing, is a different experience. It tells him you saw it.
How to make your husband feel appreciated: 7 ways
- Say it before 7am. Before either of you picks up a phone. Thank him for 1 exact thing. In my ebook, Anouk put her hand on Ben's shoulder on the third morning and said, "Thank you for getting up with the kids so I could sleep." He thought about that sentence for the whole drive to work.
- Be specific. Not "you're a great dad." Instead: "The way you sat with her on the floor when she was crying tonight. That was so good."
- Say it on the day. Appreciation given a week later is nice. Appreciation given the same day is felt.
- Say you trust his decision. "You made the right call on that. I trust you with this stuff." For many men, this is the deepest form of appreciation.
- Tell him he is doing well at what he fears failing at. If he is worried about money, tell him what he has built. If he is worried about being a good father, tell him what you see.
- Say it in front of others. To his parents, to your friends, to the kids. Men often treasure public respect more than they show.
- Let him do things his way. Correcting how he does a task removes the appreciation you just gave. If the nappy is on a little crooked, let it go.
What it does to the rest of the day
Something said at 7 in the morning is still working at 9 at night. Most couples notice it around day 10.
In my ebook, around day 10 Anouk noticed she was not snapping at 6pm any more. She could not work out why at first. Then she realised the morning was still working, for both of them.
Appreciation and criticism
Criticism has never once worked. It produces defence, and defence produces distance. Appreciation works the other way. When you name what you like, he does more of it.
In my ebook, Claire told David for 11 years that he never planned anything. Nothing changed. When she told him about 1 picnic he had planned, and how warm it felt in her chest, he planned 3 things in 2 weeks.
What if he does not respond?
Some men are not used to being appreciated. The first few times, he may shrug it off or make a joke. Keep going. Do it every day for 2 weeks before you judge it.
What if you do not feel appreciative?
If you are tired and resentful, appreciating him can feel impossible. Start with the smallest true thing. "Thank you for taking the bins out." It does not have to be big. It has to be true and specific.
And ask for what you need too. Appreciation flows more easily when you are getting what you need. Read how to tell your partner what you need without nagging.
In my house
My wife is much better at this than I am. When she tells me what she liked, I do it again that week without deciding to. It is the simplest thing, and it works on me every time.
Words you can use
"Thank you for handling the car. I didn't have to think about it once."
"You made the right call with the school. I trust you with this stuff."
"I saw how patient you were with her tonight. You're a good dad."
"I love that you fixed the gate without me asking. It made my day."
Pick 1. Say it tomorrow morning. See what happens to his evening.
Where to start
Read why men withdraw in relationships and what men need but won't ask for. Take the free relationship quiz. For a month of daily guidance for both of you, try the 30 Day Challenge.
Questions women ask me
Why doesn't my husband feel appreciated when I thank him?
General thanks often do not land. Try naming the exact thing, on the day, and how it made you feel.
What do men want to hear from their wives?
In my experience, that they made the right call, that they are trusted, and that they are doing well at what they fear failing at.
How often should I show appreciation?
Every day. 1 specific sentence takes about 8 seconds.
Is it bad to appreciate him when I am still annoyed about something?
No. You can appreciate 1 thing and still raise another. Doing both, kindly, is often how the annoying thing gets solved.
What if he does not appreciate me back?
Tell him, specifically, what you would love to hear from him. Most men are happy to give it once they know.
