How to be a better listener for your wife

If you want to know how to be a better listener for your wife, you are probably a good problem-solver. Most men who ask me this are. She tells you something is wrong. You tell her how to fix it. She gets upset. You are confused, because you were trying to help.

Here is what is going on, and what I teach the men I work with.

Feelings are information, not problems

Nobody taught most men that feelings are information, not problems. So he skips straight to fixing. She reads that as dismissal, and she shares more, louder. He reads that as irrational. Round they go.

She tells him she is overwhelmed. He tells her to hire someone to help. She feels unseen. He thinks he solved it. Both walk away confused.

The solution might be a good one. She did not want it yet. She wanted to know you were with her first.

Why listening matters so much to many women

In my work, many women carry a fear of being too much. When she shares a feeling and you jump to solving it, it can feel like you want the feeling gone, and her with it. When you stay with her, it tells her she is not too much.

How to be a better listener for your wife: 7 steps

1. Put the phone face down. Turn your body towards her. This takes 2 seconds, and it is the first thing she notices.
2. Ask 1 question before anything else: "Do you want help with this, or do you want me to listen?" Most women will tell you. Many men are surprised how often the answer is listen.
3. Say back what you heard. "So the meeting ran over, and then the school called, and you felt like nobody was on your side today." Not perfect. Close enough to show you were there.
4. Name the feeling. "That sounds exhausting." "That sounds lonely." This is the step most men skip.
5. Ask for more. "What was the worst part?" Then wait. Longer than feels comfortable.
6. Hold back the solution. If you have a good one, ask later. "I have an idea about the school. Do you want to hear it now, or later?"
7. Touch her, if it is welcome. A hand on her back while she talks says more than most words.

What it sounds like

Not: "Just tell your boss you can't do it."

Instead: "That sounds like a lot. You've been carrying this all week, haven't you? What's the hardest bit?"

When it is about you

Listening is harder when she is upset with you. Every sentence sounds like an accusation, and the urge to defend is strong.

Try this instead: "What part of this felt like I wasn't hearing you?" Then say nothing. In my ebook I write about Josh, who had been winning arguments for years and losing his wife while he did it. When he asked that question, his wife told him the argument was not about the babysitter at all. It was about the time he said "of course" without looking up from his phone.

Why you are not doing it wrong by wanting to fix

Wanting to fix things is a form of love. It comes from wanting her to be OK. The point is not to stop caring about solutions. It is to put connection first, and solutions second.

Once she feels heard, she is often far more open to your ideas. Sometimes she finds the solution herself while talking.

What changes

Men who learn this tell me 2 things. Their wife shares more with them, including things they never knew. And the conversations are shorter. When she feels heard the first time, she does not need to say it 3 times.

In my house

My wife says something, and I start problem-solving in my head. She does not want the solution yet. She wants to know I am with her first. I had to learn that, and I still practise it. On the nights I get it right, the whole evening is different.

A practice for this week

Every evening this week, ask her 1 question about her day that is not about logistics. "What was the best bit of today?" "What's on your mind?" Then listen for 5 minutes without giving any advice at all.

At the end of the week, ask her what she noticed. Many men find their wife has started telling them things she has not shared in years.

What to do when you get it wrong

You will. You will start fixing, or look at your phone, or defend yourself. When you notice, say it. "I just jumped to fixing. Sorry. Tell me again, I'm listening." That sentence alone shows her you are trying, and most women find it very moving.

Where to start

Read why most relationship advice misses men and how to make your wife feel loved every day. Take the free relationship quiz. For 1:1 coaching for men, apply for a discovery call.

Questions men ask me