Online couples coaching that fits a normal week

Most couples I work with do not live near me. They have jobs, children, and evenings that disappear by 9pm. So the question I hear most is simple: can online couples coaching work as well as sitting in a room together?

In my experience, yes. Sometimes better. Here is why, and how I set it up.

Why online works

The change in a relationship does not happen during the session. It happens on Tuesday evening, in your kitchen, when one of you does something different. A session is only useful if it changes what happens at home.

Online coaching makes that easier, not harder. You join from the place where the pattern lives. You do not have to travel, find childcare for half a day, or switch into a different version of yourselves for an hour.

How I structure it

In The New Us, each week works the same way:

1. At the start of the week, each of you spends about an hour on your own module. His version and hers. What your partner needs from you this week, why they cannot ask for it, and how to give it.
2. During the week you each do your 1 thing. A few minutes a day.
3. Once a week you sit together for about 45 minutes and tell each other what happened.
4. Once a week there is a live call with me. You bring what happened, and I coach you through it. Every call is recorded and yours to keep.

Why each of you gets a different track

Most couples programmes give both people the same exercises. That misses the point. What she needs from him is rarely what he needs from her. So each of you gets your own track, and part of what makes it work is that neither of you sees the other's.

When something kind arrives in your house without an explanation, it goes straight in. When it arrives with an explanation, it feels like homework.

What couples tell me changes

Couples describe the same stages, usually in the same order. In the first weeks, small surprises: jobs done before anyone asks, thanks for things nobody mentioned in years. Then fewer fights. Then feeling close again, laughing in the evenings, touching without a reason. And then wanting each other again.

What online couples coaching can and cannot do

Online couples coaching works well for most of what couples bring to me. The drift. The same argument on repeat. Feeling like flatmates. Sex that has quietly stopped. Learning to ask for what you need.

It is not the right place for a crisis. If there is violence, active addiction, or 1 of you is in danger, please start with local professional help.

How to get the most from it

1. Set up a quiet space. Headphones help if there are children in the house. Close other tabs.
2. Join from the same room, side by side, for joint sessions. It is harder to stay connected from 2 different rooms.
3. Do the practice between calls. This is where the change happens. A call where you report that you did the thing is worth 5 calls of talking about it.
4. Be specific. Bring 1 moment from the week, not a general feeling. "On Thursday at 7pm, when I said this, she did that."
5. Keep a short note of what changed. Couples forget their progress quickly. Seeing it written down helps on the hard weeks.

A typical week for couples doing it online

Monday: you each spend time with your own module, on your own.

Tuesday to Sunday: you each do your 1 thing, a few minutes a day. Often it is something like a sentence before 7am, or the phones in the kitchen at 8.

Midweek: you sit together for about 45 minutes and tell each other what happened.

Once a week: the live call. You bring what worked and what did not, and I coach you through it.

Most couples notice the first small changes within 2 weeks. The bigger change, the feeling of wanting each other again, usually comes later, once the small things have become normal.

Is online couples coaching right for you?

It is a good fit if you still love each other, feel far apart, and want something practical to do at home. It is a good fit if you live far from a coach you trust, or have young children and cannot get out for an hour.

It is not the right fit if 1 of you does not feel safe at home, or if there is an addiction nobody is dealing with. Start with local professional help in those cases.

If you are not sure, take the free relationship quiz first. It tells you in 2 minutes whether you are in the flicker, the drift or the distance.

If you want to start smaller

Not every couple is ready for 12 weeks. The 30 Day Challenge gives each of you 15 minutes a day for a month, with a free call with me at the end. And The Ten Secrets gives you the 10 things I use with every couple, in an ebook you can read in an evening.

Questions people ask