What does a relationship coach do? A plain answer

What does a relationship coach do? If you have never worked with one, the idea can feel vague. Is it advice? Therapy? Someone telling you who is right?

None of those, if it is done well. Here is what I do, and what you can expect from a good relationship coach.

A coach looks at what you do, not only what you feel

Your feelings matter. But feelings follow behaviour more than most people expect. If the 2 of you stop doing the small things that made you feel close, the feeling fades. If you start doing them again, it comes back.

So a big part of my work is finding the small daily moments that have gone missing, and putting them back. Specific moments. The first words of the day. The way an argument starts. What happens at 8pm.

A coach sees the pattern you are inside

When you are in a relationship, you see your partner's half of the pattern very clearly. You almost never see your own half.

She asks if you are OK, and you go quiet. You go quiet, so she asks more. Each of you is sure the other one is the problem. A coach sees both halves at once, and can show each of you the move you are making without blaming either of you.

A coach gives each of you something different

What she needs from him is rarely what he needs from her. Generic advice for couples misses this. I give each person their own practice, based on what their partner needs and cannot ask for.

What a session looks like

1. We look at what happened since last time. Specific moments, not general feelings.
2. We find the pattern underneath the moments.
3. I give each of you 1 or 2 small things to do before we talk again.
4. We practise the words, so they come out the way you mean them.

What a relationship coach does not do

A coach does not decide who is right. A coach does not diagnose. A good coach also does not keep you coming back forever. The goal is for you to need me less, because you know how to find your way back on your own.

A coach is also not the right person for everything. If there is trauma, addiction or someone does not feel safe, a therapist or another professional should come first.

How I came to this work

For 8 years I worked with men. More than 1,000 of them. Their partners started asking what I had told them, because something had changed at home. That is how I started working with couples. I live in Ubud with my wife and our daughter, and we use everything I teach in our own marriage.

What does a relationship coach do in a first session?

In a first session, I mostly listen. I want to hear how each of you describes the same week. The differences are usually where the work is.

Then I ask a few specific questions. What are the first words you say to each other in the morning? What happens at 8pm? What did your last argument start about, and what was it about? What have you stopped saying?

By the end, I give each of you 1 small thing to do before we talk again. Not a big change. A sentence, a question, a habit. Something you can do on a tired Tuesday.

The tools I use most

1. The question. When an argument heats up, stop answering what they said and ask: "What part of this felt like I wasn't hearing you?"
2. The number. Score your reaction out of 10 while it is happening. Anything above a 5 is usually about something older than tonight.
3. The morning sentence. 1 sentence each before either of you picks up a phone.
4. The frame. Before a hard conversation, say what it is, what it is not and how long it will take.
5. The list. Each write 5 small, specific things the other could do in a normal week that would feel like care.

These sound simple. They are. What a coach adds is knowing which one you need first, and helping you keep doing it on day 4, when life gets busy.

How to choose a relationship coach

1. Ask how they work. You want something concrete, not only talk.
2. Ask what they do not work with. A good coach knows their limits and will refer you to a therapist when needed.
3. Ask whether they use it themselves. I use every practice I teach in my own marriage.
4. Trust the first call. If you do not feel safe and understood, keep looking.

What you should notice after a few weeks

Shorter arguments. More kindness without being asked. Evenings that feel a little warmer. If none of that has moved after a few weeks of doing the practices, say so. A good coach will change the plan.

Where to start

Take the free relationship quiz to see where you stand. Read The Ten Secrets for the 10 things I use with every couple. Or apply for a discovery call if you want to work with me.

Questions people ask