Some of the women I’ve worked with have stayed with men who treated them terribly for years.

Some of the women I’ve worked with have stayed with men who treated them terribly for years.

Ten, sometimes fifteen years of giving, fixing, explaining, forgiving, and hoping he’d finally see them. They stuck to him like glue.

Because they once felt a spark that made them believe this was love.

Day one, they were drawn to him like fire. The chemistry was electric. The connection felt fated. And even when it turned into chaos, emotional neglect, coldness, betrayal, they held on. They mistook intensity for intimacy. And that’s one of the hardest things to unlearn because it started growing up.

And also once you’ve tasted that kind of fire, everything else feels dull. You meet a good man, a kind, grounded, steady man, and you tell yourself there’s no spark.

You say, “I’m just not feeling it.” But what you’re really saying is, “I don’t feel the same anxiety that used to pass for excitement.”

So here’s what I tell them: find a man with a good heart who’s willing to grow. A man who’s curious about himself, who wants to understand you, who values peace more than drama.

Give him even 20% of the love you gave before, and he’ll walk through fire for you. He’ll climb Mount Doom, pull that ring out of the lava, and still come home in time for dinner.

But the real problem isn’t finding that man. It’s learning how to receive him.

Because for many women, being loved, truly loved, is terrifying.

When a man is kind, present, and consistent, your nervous system doesn’t know what to do with it. It feels uncomfortable. Suspicious, even. You’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. And so, instead of receiving, you start over-giving again. Trying to earn love that was already being offered freely.

That’s why attraction, for so many, isn’t chemistry, it’s a trauma pattern. It’s your body chasing what’s familiar, not what’s healthy. The high of uncertainty feels like passion because it’s the only kind of love your system recognizes.

The work isn’t to find a man who excites you like the last one did. The work is to rewire what safety feels like. To let your body learn that peace isn’t boring, it’s love. That calm isn’t the absence of chemistry, it’s the presence of security.

When you can receive that kind of love, without running, without doubting, without needing to fix, you’ll realize the spark you were chasing was never about him.

It was about you finally feeling safe enough to stop chasing.