5 appreciation exercises for couples that change the mood at home

Appreciation exercises for couples sound soft. They are one of the most practical tools I use. Criticism has never once worked in any room I have sat in. Appreciation works almost every time, because people repeat what they hear works.

Here are 5 exercises I use with couples, from 8 seconds a day to 30 minutes a week.

Why specific appreciation matters

"Thanks for everything" is kind, and it lands lightly. "Thank you for handling the car. I didn't have to think about it once" lands heavily. The difference is that the second one tells the other person exactly what they did, and that it mattered.

Specific appreciation also tells them what to do more of. In my ebook, Claire told David for 11 years that he never planned anything. Nothing changed. Then she told him about 1 picnic he had planned, and how warm it felt in her chest. 2 weeks later he had planned 3 things.

Exercise 1: the sentence before 7am

Before either of you picks up a phone, 1 sentence each. Name the exact thing.

For him: "I love you. You looked beautiful last night and I didn't say so."

For her: "Thank you for getting up with the kids so I could sleep."

Every day for 30 days. Most couples notice the evenings change around day 10.

Exercise 2: the body sentence

Pick 1 thing your partner did that you liked. Tell them what it was, how it felt, and where you felt it in your body.

"When you took my hand at dinner, I felt something warm in my chest. I want more of that."

Nobody argues with what you feel in your body. This turns appreciation into information they can use.

Exercise 3: 3 things, every Sunday

Once a week, each of you names 3 specific things the other did that week that you liked. Take turns. The listener only says thank you. No "oh it was nothing."

This works well as the opening of a weekly ritual. Read a weekly ritual for couples to stay connected.

Exercise 4: the appreciation swap

Instead of criticising, take the thing you were going to complain about and find the version of it you want more of.

Not: "You never help with bedtime."

Instead: "When you did bedtime on Tuesday, I got an hour to myself and felt like a person again. I would love more of that."

Do this once every time you notice a criticism forming. It takes practice. It changes the house.

Exercise 5: appreciation in public

Tell someone else what your partner did well, while they can hear. To friends, to their parents, to your kids. "Your dad fixed the gate on Saturday. It looks great."

Many people value public appreciation far more than they show. It tells them you are proud of them.

What to appreciate

1. Things they do that are invisible. Paying bills, remembering birthdays, cooking every night.
2. Things they find hard. If he is anxious about money, appreciate what he has built. If she is anxious about being a good mother, tell her what you see.
3. Who they are, not only what they do. "I love how you make strangers feel welcome."

Why it can feel awkward

Many couples find appreciation exercises uncomfortable at first. It can feel forced or fake. Do it anyway. In my ebook, Rachel and Tom said the daily practice felt forced for about a week. By the end of the second week, Rachel noticed she had not asked "are we OK?" in 4 days, and Tom was home by 6.

What changes

They start doing more of what you appreciate within days. You get the behaviour without the argument you were braced for. And the house gets lighter. It stops feeling like an exam.

In my house

My wife is much better at this than I am. When she tells me what she liked, I do it again that week without deciding to.

A 2 week appreciation plan

Week 1: do exercise 1 every morning. On Sunday, do exercise 3.

Week 2: keep exercise 1. Add exercise 4 once a day, every time you catch a criticism forming. On Sunday, do exercise 3 again, and add exercise 2 for 1 moment from the week.

At the end of 2 weeks, ask each other what changed. Most couples say the mood in the house lifted, and that they started noticing each other more.

Mistakes to avoid

1. Appreciation with a sting. "Thanks for finally doing the dishes" is criticism in disguise.
2. Appreciation as a bargaining chip. Do not appreciate to get something back.
3. Only appreciating tasks. Appreciate who they are too.

Where to start

Pick exercise 1 and do it tomorrow morning. Take the free relationship quiz. Read The Ten Secrets for all 10 practices. The 30 Day Challenge builds appreciation into every day for a month.

Questions about appreciation