How to stop drifting apart: 7 things that bring couples back

If you are searching for how to stop drifting apart, you have already noticed something many couples miss until it is late. Drift is quiet. Nobody slams a door. You just wake up one day and realise you have not had a proper conversation in weeks.

The good news is that drift is the easiest problem to reverse, as long as you start while you still like each other.

What drifting apart looks like

In my free quiz I call this place the drift. Neither of you is the bad guy. You are both busy, both tired and both doing your best, and somewhere in all that you stopped choosing each other.

Some signs:

1. Most of your conversations are about logistics.
2. You go to bed at different times.
3. You know their schedule but not what they are worried about.
4. Touch has become functional.
5. You feel lonelier with them than you do on your own.
6. You have stopped bringing up things that bother you, because it does not seem worth the fight.

Why couples drift

Love is not a feeling you have. It is a feeling you produce, by doing small things every day. When those small things stop, the feeling fades. Not because anything went wrong. Because nothing was being added.

Most couples stop doing the small things during a busy season, and then never start again. The busy season ends. The habits do not.

How to stop drifting apart: 7 things

1. Talk to each other first thing. 1 sentence before either of you picks up a phone. Love or care for her. Appreciation or respect for him. Name the exact thing. In my ebook, Anouk and Ben had 2 kids under 5 and mornings like a relay race. Around day 10 of this habit, Anouk noticed she was not snapping at 6pm any more.
2. Replace the evening phone habit. Put both phones in the kitchen at a set time. Play 1 song. See what happens. It feels silly for about 2 nights.
3. Say what you like, not what is missing. Criticism produces defence, and defence produces distance. Tell your partner about a time they did the thing you want, and how it felt.
4. Ask for the conversation before you have it. When you need to raise something hard, say what it is, what it is not and how long it will take. It stops the hard thing turning into a whole evening.
5. Let them see you. Drift grows in the gap between what you show and what you feel. Pick the smallest thing you have been holding back and say it.
6. Tell each other exactly what helps. Each write 5 small, specific things that would feel like care. Swap lists. Most couples have been guessing for years.
7. Schedule intimacy. Waiting for both of you to be in the mood at the same time is how 1 month without touch becomes 6.

Do not start with a big talk

When people realise they are drifting, they often want to sit down and talk about the relationship. That can help. It can also turn into 3 hours about what went wrong, and leave you both more tired and further apart.

Start with a habit instead. The feeling follows the habit. Once the evenings feel warmer, the big talk is easier, shorter and often not needed.

What to do if only 1 of you is trying

Keep going for 2 weeks before you judge it. Many partners notice the change before they say anything. A morning sentence that arrives every day, without conditions, is hard to ignore for long.

If after a few weeks your partner still does not meet you at all, that is worth a calm conversation, or a session with a coach.

When drift becomes distance

If you have been drifting for years, the gap may feel too wide for small habits. It is usually not. In my quiz, distance is the place where couples feel it is far gone, and I have seen couples come back from further. It does take longer, and it often helps to have someone guide you.

A week to start

Monday: 1 sentence each before 7am. Keep it going all week.

Tuesday: 1 message in the afternoon that is not about logistics.

Wednesday: phones in the kitchen at 8. 1 song.

Thursday: each write 5 small things that would feel like care. Swap lists.

Friday: do 1 thing from their list.

Saturday: a walk together, phones at home.

Sunday: sit for 10 minutes. What did you notice this week?

What to expect

The first week usually feels awkward. By the second, small things start to land. Most couples tell me the evenings change before anything else does.

Where to start

Take the free relationship quiz to see whether you are in the flicker, the drift or the distance. It takes 2 minutes. If you want a month of daily guidance, start the 30 Day Challenge. For 12 weeks with live calls, see The New Us. For 1:1 help, apply for a discovery call.

Questions about drifting apart