Marriage coaching for couples who feel disconnected

Marriage coaching for couples who feel disconnected is most of my work. Not couples in crisis. Couples who are fine on paper, who do not fight much, and who feel like they are slowly losing each other.

If that is you, here is what I see from the outside, and what we do about it.

Disconnection is quiet

Couples who fight loudly usually know they need help. Couples who feel disconnected often do not, because nothing is obviously wrong. The kids are fed. The bills are paid. You are kind to each other in the kitchen.

It just feels like you are running a small business together. The conversations are about logistics. The touch is functional. You go to bed at different times.

Nobody decided this. It happened a little more each year, until it was all there was.

Why it happens to good couples

I have worked with 100+ couples, and almost none of them needed more love. They needed to stop waiting for the feeling and start doing the small things that produce it.

Disconnection grows in 3 places.

1. The mornings. The first words of the day are about daycare and milk. You both leave the house slightly empty.
2. The evenings. Phones come out at 8 and stay out until bed. Nobody chose that habit. It won because it asks nothing of you on a tired Tuesday.
3. The things you stopped saying. Small truths you held back because you were scared of how they would land. Each one adds a little distance, and neither of you can explain where it came from.

What marriage coaching does for disconnected couples

I do not start by asking what went wrong. I start by changing 1 habit, because the feeling follows the habit, not the other way round.

In my ebook I write about Kate and Johan. Kate described them as flatmates who share a couch. Every night from 8 until bed, they sat side by side on their phones. They had talked about it many times and both agreed it was a problem. Then they picked their phones back up.

So we stopped talking about it. At 8pm, both phones went into a bowl in the kitchen. 1 song. Then whatever happened. The first night was awkward. By the end of the second week they were talking until 10. "We didn't fix anything," Johan said. "We just got our evenings back."

That is what coaching for disconnection looks like. Small, specific, daily, and a little uncomfortable at first.

3 things to start this week

1. Say 1 sentence before 7am. Before either of you picks up a phone. Him to her: love or care, and name something specific. Her to him: thanks for 1 exact thing. It takes about 8 seconds, and most couples notice the evenings change around day 10.
2. Replace 1 evening habit. Decide in advance what fills the time the phones used to fill. 1 song, a walk round the block, a cup of tea on the back step.
3. Say 1 small thing you have been holding back. Not the enormous one. The embarrassing one. Tell them first that they have done nothing wrong and that you only need them to listen.

What changes, and how fast

The first change is usually in the evenings. The house feels a little warmer. Someone laughs at something that would have gone unnoticed a month ago.

The second change is touch. When you are not running on empty by 6pm, you reach for each other again, in the kitchen, on the couch, in bed.

The third change is the one couples tell me about most. One ordinary evening you look at them across the room and feel it again. Not because anything big happened. Because 30 small days did.

When disconnection is something bigger

Sometimes the distance is covering something. An affair, a secret, a grief nobody has talked about, or depression in one of you. Coaching can help you start those conversations, and a good coach will tell you when you need a therapist or doctor as well.

The mistakes disconnected couples make

1. Waiting for a big conversation to fix it. Big talks often turn into 3 hours about whose fault it is.
2. Waiting for the feeling. You do the small things first, and the feeling follows.
3. Trying everything at once. Pick 1 habit for 2 weeks. Then add the next.
4. Keeping score. "I did my sentence, they didn't do theirs." Do your part for 2 weeks before you judge.
5. Judging it after 3 days. The first few days of any new habit feel awkward. Most couples notice the change around day 10.

Where to start

If you are not sure how far apart you have drifted, take the free relationship quiz. It takes 2 minutes and tells you which of 3 places you are in.

If you want a structure for the next month, the 30 Day Challenge gives each of you 15 minutes a day of guidance. If you want 12 weeks with live group calls, look at The New Us. For 1:1 marriage coaching, apply for a discovery call.

Questions about marriage coaching