We feel like roommates, not a couple: how to get the spark back

"We feel like roommates, not a couple." I hear this sentence in some form from about half the couples I work with. Sometimes it is flatmates. Sometimes it is business partners, or co-parents, or 2 people who share a couch.

It usually comes out quietly, with a little shame, as if it means the relationship is over. It does not. It usually means your habits have taken over, and habits can be replaced.

How couples become roommates

Nobody sits down and decides to stop being a couple. It happens in small steps, each of which makes sense on the day.

1. You have a busy season. A new job, a baby, a move. You both go into survival mode and stop making time for each other. That is fine for a few weeks.
2. The busy season ends, but the habits stay. You still talk mostly about logistics. You still go to separate screens at 8pm.
3. Touch becomes functional. A kiss on the way out the door. A hand passing a plate. Nothing that says I want you.
4. Sex becomes rare, then awkward to bring up, then something neither of you mentions.
5. One day 1 of you says it out loud. We feel like roommates.

The good news inside the bad news

If you feel like roommates, you probably still get on. You are kind to each other. You share the work. You do not hate each other.

That matters, because the hard part of a relationship is the friendship and the trust, and you still have those. What is missing is the part that makes you a couple, and that part responds to small, daily changes faster than most people expect.

Why talking about it rarely fixes it

Most roommate couples have talked about the problem many times. You both agree. You both mean it. Then you pick your phones back up.

Understanding a habit removes nothing. A habit happens at a time of day, and if you take it out, something else fills that time. So you have to choose what fills it, in advance.

In my ebook I tell the story of Kate and Johan. Kate said they were flatmates who share a couch. At 8pm every night they put both phones in a bowl in the kitchen, played 1 song and saw what happened. The first night they stood in the living room not sure what to do with their hands. By the third night they were laughing. By the end of the second week they were talking until 10.

5 ways to stop feeling like roommates

1. Start the day with each other, not the phone. 1 sentence each before 7am. Say what you love or what you are thankful for, and name the exact thing.
2. Touch without a reason. A hand on the back in the kitchen. A longer hug at the door. Touch that is not going anywhere in particular is the kind roommates stop doing.
3. Change 1 evening habit for 2 weeks. Phones in the kitchen, 1 song, then whatever happens. Do not discuss whether it is working. Just do it.
4. Talk about something that is not logistics. Ask about something they cared about at 20. Ask what they want next year. Couples who feel like roommates often know each other's schedule and nothing about each other's inner life.
5. Put intimacy in the diary. It sounds unromantic. So does waiting another 6 months for the mood to arrive on the same night for both of you.

What to say to your partner

Do not open with "we feel like roommates." Your partner may hear it as an accusation, or as the start of a breakup talk.

Tell them first what the conversation is, and what it is not. Something like:

"I want to talk for 5 minutes about us. You have not done anything wrong. I miss you, and I want more of us. At the end, I would love it if we could pick 1 small thing to try this week."

That opening makes it safe to listen. The same words without it start an argument.

How long until you feel like a couple again

Most couples notice the evenings change in the first 2 weeks. The touch comes back a little after that. The feeling of wanting each other usually comes back last, and it comes back before the frequency does.

It is not a straight line. Some evenings you will slip back to your phones. That is normal. What matters is that you come back to the new habit the next night.

A 2 week plan for roommate couples

Days 1 to 7: the morning sentence every day, and 1 hug longer than 10 seconds. Nothing else.

Days 8 to 14: add the evening. Phones in the kitchen at 8 on at least 4 nights. 1 song, then whatever happens. At the end of day 14, sit together for 10 minutes and say what you noticed.

Where to start

Take the free relationship quiz to see how far apart you have drifted. If you want a daily structure, the 30 Day Challenge was built for couples who feel like roommates, 15 minutes a day each. For a deeper 12 weeks, see The New Us.

Questions couples ask