A good man won’t stay where he can’t win

A good man won’t stay where he can’t win.

When I was dating, I started noticing a clear pattern. There were two types of women. And I always wanted to find out, very early on, which one I was sitting across from.

I was looking for a woman who lets love land.

I used to ask women casually what their favorite food was, or where they loved to go for breakfast. I’d make a note. And then one day, I’d pick her up and take her to that exact place.

One woman lit up. She was glowing the entire morning. She smiled in a way that made me want to remember more about her. She made my thoughtfulness feel like magic. And her joy? That’s what made me want to give more.

Another woman thanked me, but halfway through the meal she said, “We should’ve tried something new.” Or, “They cook the eggs better at my usual spot.” Just quietly dissatisfied. The same effort that had been met with joy by someone else now felt like I was trying to impress a critic who’d already decided I wasn’t enough.

Same man. Same energy. Same intention. One made me feel valued. The other made me feel like I was trying out for a role I’d never get.

It showed up in small things too. I’d gotten into a habit of texting goodnight every evening. Something I genuinely liked doing. One night I forgot. One woman just texted me first “Sleep well, love.” She held the thread because she trusted the connection.

Another woman said nothing that night. But the next morning, hit me with, “So you forgot about me now?” No room for context. No grace. Just assumption, and the pressure to explain myself over something that hadn’t even come from distance, just life.

Another example. I once invited a woman to an event that I was part of. I was proud of it. Nervous too. Afterward, I asked her how she felt. One said, “You were so grounded. I loved seeing you in that.” She saw me. She felt me. She was proud in a way that made me feel even more like a man.

Another said, “You talk too long,” or “You really need to wear something different.” And it wasn’t that she didn’t have the right to her opinion, she was probably right, but again, it was the energy. The undercurrent of never enough.

I remember with unpredictable Bali traffic, I was five minutes late. One woman smiled when I arrived and said, “You don’t seem like a man who’s usually late. What happened?” That landed. She gave me space to be human and was still curious. We laughed about it.

Another woman didn’t even wait for me to say hello. “You need to apologise,” she said. “And I need to know this won’t happen again.” I was five minutes late. Not forty-five. And just like that, my nervous system registered it, this is someone I’ll always be proving myself to.

And I’ve learned something important from all this.

A good man doesn’t need a woman to agree with everything. He doesn’t need you to inflate him. Or hide your truth. But he does need to feel that his care is noticed. That his effort is received. That his presence lands in your world. That it’s okay to be imperfectly human.

A good man chooses a woman he can win with because he wants to build something that works. Where effort is mirrored with appreciation. Where trust makes room for the inevitable imperfections of love.

So if you’ve ever wondered why a good man lost interest, this might be it.

He didn’t feel like he could win with you.