Couples coach Bali: what working with me in Ubud looks like
Couples coach Bali, from someone who lives here. I live in Ubud with my wife and our daughter. Here is how I work with couples, and who it is for.
If you searched for couples coach Bali, you are probably here because something at home is not working. Maybe you live here, or you are here for a few months, or someone sent you a post of mine.
Either way, the first question is usually the same: what does a couples coach do, and is it worth it? This page answers that, as plainly as I can.
Who I am
I am Jan-Willem van der Heiden. I am Dutch, I lived in Australia, and I now live in Ubud with my wife and our daughter. For 8 years my work was men. Retreats, workshops, circles, fight clubs, one to one. More than 1,000 men.
Somewhere along the way their partners started asking what I had told them, because something at home had changed. That is how the couples work started. Since then I have worked with more than 100 couples.
What couples come to me with
Almost nobody arrives in a crisis. They arrive in a quiet version of trouble. The evenings are logistics, then phones, then bed. The same argument keeps coming back. Sex has become something they are both waiting to feel like. They still love each other. They just do not feel it much.
Bali adds its own layer. Many couples here have moved countries, started businesses, had babies far from family, or are living a life that looks free from the outside and feels stretched from the inside. Those are good stories. They also put a lot of weight on 2 people with very little support around them.
How I work
I do not spend months on your childhoods before anything changes. We look at what is happening in your house this week, and I give each of you something specific to do. Not the same thing. What she needs from him is rarely what he needs from her.
- We start with a discovery call, so we can both see if this is the right fit.
- If it is, I work with you as a couple and sometimes with each of you on your own.
- Between sessions you each have 1 or 2 small things to practise. Small enough to do on a tired Tuesday.
- We look at what changed, and adjust.
There is no team and no junior coach. When you work with me, you get me.
What changes
The first thing couples usually notice is that arguments get shorter. Not because they solved everything, but because they stopped feeding the old pattern. Then the evenings change. One of my favourite moments in this work is when a couple tells me they laughed at dinner and could not remember the last time they did that.
My wife and I use every one of these practices in our own marriage. We still get it wrong. We know how to find our way back, and that is what I teach.
Why couples in Bali drift in their own way
Bali is a beautiful place to live, and a demanding place to be a couple. I see 3 patterns here more than anywhere else.
- No village. Many couples here have left family and old friends on the other side of the world. When a baby arrives, or a business struggles, there is no grandmother down the road. Everything lands on the 2 of them.
- Freedom without structure. Days without a commute or an office can drift. Work bleeds into evenings, and evenings bleed into phones. Nobody notices until the relationship has become 2 laptops at the same table.
- Very different reasons for being here. Often 1 partner came for a dream, and the other came for the partner. A few years in, one of them is thriving and the other is quietly lonely.
None of that means something is wrong with you. It means the support most couples lean on without noticing is missing, and you need to build some of it on purpose.
What a first month with me usually looks like
In the first week, we find the 1 pattern costing you most. Usually it is how arguments start, or what happens in the evenings. Each of you leaves with 1 small thing to do every day.
In the second week, we look at what happened. Most couples are surprised. The arguments are shorter. Someone did something kind without being asked.
In the third and fourth weeks, we go a layer deeper. What each of you is afraid of underneath. What you have stopped saying. What would help, specifically, on a normal Tuesday.
By the end of a month, most couples tell me the house feels different. Not fixed. Warmer. That is the right place to build from.
If you are not ready for coaching
Not everyone needs private coaching to start. If you want to see where you stand first, take the free relationship quiz. It takes 2 minutes and tells you which of 3 stages you are in.
If you want structure you can do at home, the 30 Day Challenge gives each of you 15 minutes a day for a month. And if you want the 12 week version with a live call with me every week, look at The New Us.
If you want to talk to me directly, apply for a discovery call.
Questions people ask
Do I need to live in Bali to work with you?
No. I live in Ubud, and many of the couples I work with live elsewhere. The discovery call is the place to talk about what works for you.
What if my partner does not want to do couples coaching?
Start on your own. Most of what changes a relationship can be started by 1 person, and a partner who sees the house getting warmer often joins later.
Is couples coaching the same as couples therapy?
No. Therapy is often the right place for trauma, addiction or safety concerns. Coaching is practical and works on what you do this week. You can read more in couples coaching vs couples therapy.
