How to fall back in love with your husband

If you are searching for how to fall back in love with your husband, you probably still care about him. You just do not feel it the way you used to. He has become someone you run a house with, and some nights you look at him and wonder where the man you married went.

I have worked with 100+ couples and more than 1,000 men. Here is what I have learned about why the feeling fades, and how women bring it back.

The feeling is not gone. It is starved.

Love is not a feeling you either have or do not have. It is a feeling produced by small things, done often. When those small things stop, the feeling fades. Nothing has to go wrong for that to happen. It only takes a few busy years.

That means you do not have to wait for the feeling to come back before you act. Waiting has it the wrong way round. You do the small things first, and the feeling follows.

Why it often fades for women first

In my work, women usually notice the distance before men do. A woman feels the gap between what she needs and what she is getting, day by day. A man often does not notice until she has gone quiet.

Many women stop asking for things after a while. Not because they stopped wanting them, but because asking felt like nagging and nothing changed. The wanting turns into resentment, and resentment is very good at hiding love.

What usually brings the feeling back

1. Seeing him succeed at home. Many women fall out of love with a husband who feels like another child to manage. Most men will step up fast when they know exactly what is needed.
2. Feeling chosen again. Small signs that he still wants you, not just that he still lives with you.
3. Feeling seen. Him knowing what is on your mind, not only what is on the calendar.
4. Touch that is not a request for sex. A hand on your back in the kitchen. A long hug for no reason.

How to fall back in love with your husband: 6 steps

1. Tell him what you want more of, not what he does wrong. In my ebook I write about Claire and David. For 11 years Claire told David he never planned anything. Nothing changed. Then she told him about a picnic he had planned 2 summers earlier, and how warm it felt in her chest. 2 weeks later he had planned 3 things. "11 years of complaining didn't do what one sentence did," she said.
2. Make a list he can hit. Write 5 small, specific things he could do in a normal week that would feel like care. A message in the afternoon that is not about logistics. 10 minutes on the couch when you get home before he tells you about his day. Most men have been guessing for years, in the direction of what they would want.
3. Thank him for 1 exact thing every morning. Not "thanks for everything." The exact thing. "Thank you for getting up with the kids so I could sleep." Men who feel appreciated at 7am come home different at 6pm.
4. Let him do things his way. If he does bedtime and the pyjamas are on backwards, let it go. A man who keeps being corrected at home stops trying.
5. Notice the times you feel something for him. When he is good with your daughter, when he fixes something, when he makes you laugh. Say it out loud.
6. Put intimacy in the diary. Start with touch that does not need to lead anywhere. The wanting often comes back after the touch, not before.

What if you feel nothing at all?

Some women tell me the feeling is completely gone. Often what they mean is that they are exhausted and angry, and there is no room for anything else yet.

If that is you, start with the anger rather than the love. Find out what it is about. Usually it is about not feeling heard, seen or understood, for a long time. Telling him that, in a way he can hear, is often the first thing that lets the love back in.

What not to do

1. Do not wait for him to notice. He may not, until it is late.
2. Do not test him. Hints, silence and waiting to see if he works it out rarely end well. He cannot meet a need he cannot see.
3. Do not compare him with the man he was at the start. Compare him with the man he is when he knows what you need.

In my house

My wife is better at this than I am. When she tells me what she liked, I do it again that week without deciding to. When she used to tell me what I did wrong, I defended myself. Same man, same week, different words.

Where to start

Take the free relationship quiz to see where your marriage stands. Read The Ten Secrets for the 10 practices I use with every couple. If you want a month of daily guidance for both of you, try the 30 Day Challenge. For 1:1 help, apply for a discovery call.

Questions women ask me