How to schedule intimacy without killing romance

Most couples I suggest it to laugh out loud. Then they ask how to schedule intimacy without killing romance. It is a fair worry. Romance feels like it should be spontaneous.

Here is what I tell them. People say scheduling is unromantic, which is a strange thing to hear from anyone who has ever booked a holiday.

Why waiting for the mood fails

Most couples wait. They wait until the mood is right, until the week has been kind, until they feel close enough to want it.

So it happens less and less. The right conditions get rarer as life gets fuller. Kids, work, tiredness. The waiting becomes a test neither of you is passing.

Sex is often the way into feeling close, not the reward for it. It takes you out of your head and into your body, in the present, with each other. That is exactly the state that has been missing all week.

What scheduling does

Scheduling removes the waiting. You stop needing to feel it in advance and start creating the conditions where it can turn up.

It also removes rejection. If you both know Tuesday is the evening, nobody has to risk reaching and being turned down. For many couples, that alone changes everything.

How to schedule intimacy without killing romance: 6 rules

1. Pick 2 slots a week. Write them where you can both see them. Not a reminder that says sex. A word that is yours.
2. Commit to turning up, not to an outcome. What happens after that stays open. Sometimes it is sex. Sometimes it is lying together talking. Both count.
3. Phones in another room. Non-negotiable.
4. Start with 15 minutes of touch that is going nowhere in particular. No pressure, no goal.
5. Protect the slot like a meeting you would not cancel. If you must move it, move it, do not delete it.
6. Give it 4 weeks before you judge it. The first few are often awkward.

The story of Tuesday

In my ebook I write about Sara and Michael. After their son was born they did not have sex for 7 months. Neither of them decided that. They were both waiting to feel like it, at the same time, on a night when nobody was exhausted. That night never came.

When I suggested the diary, Sara laughed. Michael looked at the floor. We agreed on Tuesday and Saturday. No expectation about where it went.

The first 2 were stiff. Sara said it felt like a dentist appointment. Michael said it felt like a test.

Then, the week after, Sara sent Michael a message at lunchtime on a Tuesday. One word: "Tonight." He told me he could not concentrate for the rest of the day.

"Tuesday" is their word now. Sara says she starts looking forward to it on Monday.

Where the romance comes back

This is the part most people do not expect. The romance comes back in the anticipation.

Once you know Tuesday is coming, you think about it during the day. You send a message. You notice them differently at breakfast. That looking forward is what most long-term couples have lost, and it comes back before the frequency does.

Making the slot feel like yours

1. Give it a name. A day, a word, a joke.
2. Build up to it during the day. A message at lunchtime. A longer kiss in the morning.
3. Change the room a little. Candles, music, clean sheets. Small signals that this is different from every other evening.
4. Take turns choosing what the 15 minutes looks like.

The conversation to start it

The whole conversation can be this short: "Tuesday and Saturday. No expectation about where it goes. We both just turn up."

That is less awkward than the 6 months of not saying it.

What if one of you wants more than the other?

Most couples have a gap in desire. Scheduling helps here too. The person who wants more knows it is coming, and stops asking. The person who wants less knows when, and stops feeling pressured the rest of the week. Both relax.

In my house

We schedule it. We have a small child, and the alternative is that it does not happen. Saying that out loud was harder than doing it.

Common mistakes when scheduling intimacy

1. Making the slot about performance. If both of you feel you must have sex every time, it becomes a test. Keep it open.
2. Choosing times that do not fit your life. Friday at 11pm after a long week rarely works. Pick a time when you both have some energy.
3. Cancelling at the first sign of tiredness. Turn up tired. Lie together. That still counts.
4. Giving up after 2 awkward evenings. The first ones are often stiff. That is normal. Most couples tell me it changes around the third or fourth.
5. Talking about it constantly. Agree on it once, then let it run for a month before you review it.

Where to start

Read why your husband may have stopped initiating. Take the free relationship quiz. The Ten Secrets has this practice and 9 more. The 30 Day Challenge builds touch and intimacy back in, 15 minutes a day each.

Questions about scheduling intimacy