My husband doesn't initiate intimacy anymore. What is going on?

"My husband doesn't initiate intimacy anymore." Women say this to me quietly, often near the end of a session, as if it is the most embarrassing thing in the room. Many of them have decided it means he does not find them attractive. Some are sure he has someone else.

In most of the men I have worked with, more than 1,000 of them, it means neither. Here is what is usually going on.

Reason 1: he does not want to be turned down

This is the most common reason by far. At some point he reached for you and you were tired, or touched out, or not in the mood. That is normal. It happened a few more times.

Each time, he felt a small rejection. Most men do not talk about it. They just stop asking, to protect themselves. After a while, not reaching becomes the habit.

In my ebook I write about Sara and Michael. After their son was born they did not have sex for 7 months. Michael stopped reaching for Sara because he did not want to be turned down. Sara read that as him not wanting her any more. Both were wrong about the other.

Reason 2: he feels like he is failing

Many men carry a fear of not being good enough. When home starts to feel like a place where he is often corrected or criticised, he feels like he is failing there too. A man who feels like he is failing at home does not feel like a lover. He feels like an employee who is behind on his work.

Reason 3: stress and exhaustion

Work pressure, money worries, poor sleep and young children all reduce desire. This affects men as much as women, though men are less likely to say so.

Reason 4: something physical

Low testosterone, medication side effects, alcohol, weight gain, depression and erectile problems are common and often hidden. Many men stop initiating to avoid a moment they are ashamed of. A visit to the doctor is worth suggesting, gently.

Reason 5: distance in the rest of the relationship

If you have become roommates, sex is often the first thing to go. It is hard to reach for someone you have only discussed the electricity bill with all week.

What not to assume

1. Do not assume he is not attracted to you. In my experience, this is rarely the main reason.
2. Do not assume he has someone else. Sometimes that is true. Far more often it is not.
3. Do not assume he does not care. Men who care a lot are often the most afraid of rejection.

What helps

1. Tell him you miss him. Not as a complaint. "I miss you reaching for me. I would love it if you did." Many men have no idea their partner wants to be initiated with.
2. Make it safe to reach. If you are not in the mood, turn down the sex, not the man. "Not tonight, but come here," and a long hug, keeps the door open.
3. Appreciate him out loud. Thank him for 1 specific thing each morning. A man who feels respected at home feels more like reaching for his wife.
4. Touch him first, without it having to go anywhere. A hand on his back. Sitting close on the couch. Remind both of you that touch is safe.
5. Put it in the diary. 2 evenings a week, no expectation about where it goes, phones in another room, 15 minutes of touch. This takes away the risk of rejection, which is often what stopped him.

How Sara and Michael found each other

When I suggested scheduling, Sara laughed out loud. Michael looked at the floor. They tried it anyway. The first 2 evenings were stiff. Then the week after, Sara sent Michael a message at lunchtime. One word: "Tonight." He told me he could not concentrate for the rest of the day.

That is often how it comes back. Not with a big conversation, but with a small, safe invitation.

How to talk to him about it

Tell him first what the conversation is, and what it is not. "I want to talk about us for 10 minutes. You haven't done anything wrong. I miss you, and I want more closeness. At the end I'd love it if we could pick 1 thing to try."

Avoid "why don't you ever..." It will make him defend, and the subject will close for another 6 months.

When to get help

If you have tried and nothing has changed, or if talking about it always ends in a fight, a coach can help you both say what you cannot say alone. If there might be a physical cause, a doctor is the right first step.

Give it time

If he has not reached for you in months, it will take a few weeks of safe, small invitations before he trusts it. Keep going. Most men are waiting to be wanted.

Where to start

Read my post about a client whose husband had stopped initiating. Take the free relationship quiz. For a month of daily guidance that includes touch and intimacy, try the 30 Day Challenge. For 1:1 help, apply for a discovery call.

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