How to stop phones ruining your relationship
How to stop phones ruining your relationship without a big fight: why understanding the habit is not enough, and the simple swap that gets your evenings back.
Most couples already know their phones are a problem. They have talked about it. They both agree. Then they pick their phones back up. If you want to know how to stop phones ruining your relationship, the answer is not more talking about it.
Here is what I teach couples instead.
How phones take over the evening
Nobody decides to spend every evening side by side on their phones. It happens a little more each year. A quick check after dinner. A video while the other one is in the shower. Then one day it is 8pm until bed, every night, and it is all there is.
It won because it asked nothing of either of you on a tired Tuesday.
Flatmates who share a couch
In my ebook I write about Kate and Johan. Kate described their evenings in 1 sentence: "We're flatmates who share a couch."
Every night from 8 until bed, they sat side by side on their phones. They had talked about it many times. They both agreed it was a problem. Then they picked their phones back up.
So we stopped talking about it and replaced it. At 8pm, both phones went into a bowl in the kitchen. 1 song. Then whatever happened.
The first night was awkward. They stood in the living room not sure what to do with their hands. Johan put on a song from their wedding and they danced badly and felt silly.
The third night they were laughing. By the end of the second week they were talking until 10, some nights later. Kate told me she had learned things about Johan's job she had never known.
"We didn't fix anything," Johan said. "We just got our evenings back." The bowl is still in the kitchen.
Why understanding is not enough
You can understand your phone habit perfectly and still be holding the phone. Understanding it removes nothing.
A habit happens at a time of day. If you take it out, something else fills that time. If you do not choose what fills it, the phone wins again.
How to stop phones ruining your relationship: 5 steps
- Pick the time. When does the phone habit cost you most? For most couples it is the evening. For some it is the bedroom, or breakfast.
- Put the phones somewhere else. Not face down on the table. In another room. A bowl in the kitchen works well.
- Decide what replaces it, in advance, in 1 sentence. "Phones in the kitchen at 8, 1 song, then whatever happens." A walk. A game. A cup of tea on the back step.
- Run it for 2 weeks without discussing whether it is working. Talking about it is how it slides back.
- Keep it small. 1 hour, not the whole evening. A small habit you keep beats a big one you abandon.
Other phone habits worth changing
- The first thing in the morning. Look at your partner before your screen. 1 sentence each.
- The bedroom. Charge phones outside the bedroom. Many couples find this changes their sex life as well as their sleep.
- Mealtimes. Phones off the table.
- When they are talking. Phone face down, eyes up. Every time.
When one of you resists
Do not make it a rule for them. Make it an invitation. "I miss you in the evenings. Can we try phones in the kitchen at 8 for 2 weeks and see?" Most people will try something for 2 weeks.
If your partner needs the phone for work, agree on a set time it can come back out, or a place they can go to check it.
What changes
The evening changes before either of you has resolved anything. This is the fastest of the 10 practices in my ebook, and it needs the least honesty, which makes it the right place to start on a hard week.
Couples tell me the evenings get longer. They talk more. They touch more. Some start going to bed at the same time again.
In my house
Ours is the phone, and I am not good at it. On the nights I get it right, the evening is longer and better, and I am surprised every time.
Ideas for what to do instead
1 song and a bad dance. A walk round the block. Tea on the back step. A card game. Reading side by side with your feet touching. Cooking together. A bath. Talking about the best and worst part of the day.
It does not matter what you choose. It matters that you choose it in advance, so the phone does not win by default.
Where to start
Read we feel like roommates, not a couple. Take the free relationship quiz. The 30 Day Challenge builds this and other habits into a month, 15 minutes a day each.
Questions about phones and relationships
Can phones ruin a relationship?
They can slowly replace the time you used to spend together. Most couples do not notice until the evenings feel empty.
How do I ask my partner to use their phone less without nagging?
Invite them into a small experiment. 1 hour, 2 weeks, phones in another room. Say you miss them, not that they are doing something wrong.
Should couples keep phones out of the bedroom?
Many couples find it helps both sleep and intimacy. Try it for 2 weeks.
What if we use our phones to watch shows together?
Watching something together on 1 screen is very different from 2 people on 2 screens. Shared time is fine. It is the parallel scrolling that does the damage.
What if I am the one who cannot put the phone down?
Make it physical. Put it in another room. Willpower rarely wins against a phone in your hand.
