How to talk about money as a couple without fighting

Money is one of the most common things couples fight about. Often the fight is not about the numbers at all. If you want to know how to talk about money as a couple without fighting, start with how the conversation begins, not what it is about.

Why money talks blow up

Money carries a lot. Safety, freedom, fairness, how you were raised, what you are afraid of. When 1 of you raises money, the other often hears an accusation. You spend too much. You do not earn enough. You are not taking this seriously.

Their body hears danger. They defend. Inside half a minute, you are both arguing about who is right, and nobody is talking about money any more.

The money talk

In my ebook I write about Nina and Sam. Every conversation they had about money turned into a 3 hour fight. So they stopped having them. For about a year.

Meanwhile Nina was lying awake worrying. She had something she needed to say, and every time she started, Sam heard an accusation and the shutters came down.

We practised the opening, not the content. Nina wrote it on her phone so she would not lose her nerve:

"I want to talk about money for 10 minutes. You haven't done anything wrong. I'm scared, and I just want you to hear me. At the end, all I need is for you to say thank you."

Sam said afterwards that the words "you haven't done anything wrong" were the reason he could listen.

She talked for 8 minutes. He said thank you. Then, without being asked, he said, "Can we look at it together on Sunday?"

The whole thing took 15 minutes. They now have a money talk on the first Sunday of every month. It ends with dinner out, which Nina says is the only budget line they never argue about.

How to talk about money as a couple without fighting: 6 steps

1. Ask for the conversation instead of starting it. "Can we talk about money for 10 minutes tonight?"
2. Say they have done nothing wrong. If they have, say what this conversation is for instead. "I'm not looking for anyone to blame. I want us to have a plan."
3. Say what you feel, not only what you think. "I'm scared about the credit card" is easier to hear than "you need to stop spending."
4. Give it a time limit. 10 to 20 minutes. Long money talks get heated.
5. Say what you need at the end. "All I need tonight is for you to hear me." Or "Can we pick 1 thing to change this month?"
6. Make it a habit. A monthly money talk, at a set time, removes the dread. Money stops being an emergency topic and becomes a normal one.

Understand each other's money story

Many money fights come from how each of you grew up. One of you grew up with not enough, and spending feels dangerous. The other grew up with plenty, or with parents who fought about money, and avoiding the subject feels safer.

Ask each other: what did money feel like in your house growing up? You may find that most of the fight is between your parents, not between you.

Who carries the money?

In many couples, both people half-carry the money, or neither does. In my ebook I describe banners. One person carries an area fully, including the thinking. The other supports, and does not second-guess.

If 1 of you carries the finances banner, they do the budget, track it and report back once a month. The other has a voice in the big decisions, but does not have to hold the whole thing.

What to avoid

1. Raising money when either of you is tired, hungry or already upset.
2. Bringing up old spending as evidence.
3. Using "always" and "never."
4. Making big decisions in the middle of an argument.
5. Hiding money. Secret debts and secret accounts damage trust far more than the amounts involved.

In my house

I carry the money and the future banner. That means I bring the numbers. My wife has a voice in every big decision. We do not fight about money much any more, because it has a time and a place.

A simple monthly money talk

1. Start with appreciation. 1 thing each that went well with money this month.
2. The numbers. The person who carries the money banner shares where things stand. 5 minutes.
3. Worries. Each of you shares 1 money worry. The other listens and says thank you.
4. Decisions. Anything that needs deciding this month.
5. Something to look forward to. A treat, a plan, or a saving goal you both care about.

20 minutes, once a month. Then dinner out, if the budget allows.

Where to start

Read how to start a difficult conversation with your partner. Take the free relationship quiz. The Ten Secrets has the opening practice and banners. For 1:1 help, apply for a discovery call.

Questions about money and couples