How to talk about sex with your partner without it getting awkward

Most couples would rather have sex than talk about it. That is fine when it is going well. When it is not, not knowing how to talk about sex with your partner can turn a small gap into months of silence.

Here is how I help couples start the conversation, and keep it from turning into hurt or blame.

Why it is so hard to talk about

Sex is where we are most exposed. Talking about it touches the 2 fears I see in almost every couple. For many women, the fear of being unloveable or too much. For many men, the fear of not being good enough.

So a simple sentence like "I'd like more of this" can land as "you are not doing it right." A request like "can we slow down" can land as "you are not attractive to me." Neither person meant that. Both people heard it.

Tell them what the conversation is first

The single most useful thing you can do is to frame the conversation before you start it. Say what it is, what it is not, and how long it will take.

"I want to talk about us in bed for 10 minutes. You haven't done anything wrong. I love being with you, and I want more of it. At the end I'd just love it if you could tell me 1 thing you'd like too."

Those first sentences remove the fear. Without them, your partner spends the whole conversation bracing for bad news.

How to talk about sex with your partner: 6 steps

1. Choose a calm time outside the bedroom. Not right after sex, not when one of you has just been turned down. A walk is ideal. Side by side is easier than face to face.
2. Frame it. Use the opening above, in your own words.
3. Start with what you like. Name something specific they already do. "I love it when you kiss my neck when we're in the kitchen." This is not flattery. It is information, and it tells them they are not failing.
4. Say what you would like more of, not what you do not like. "I'd love it if we took more time before." Rather than "you always rush."
5. Say how it feels in your body. "When we slow down, I feel something open in my chest. I feel wanted." Nobody argues with what you feel in your body.
6. Ask, and listen without defending. "What would you like more of?" Whatever they say, thank them for telling you.

Things to avoid

1. Comparing them with past partners.
2. Using always and never.
3. Bringing it up in the middle of a fight.
4. Turning it into a list of problems.
5. Laughing nervously at what they share. It took courage.

When the topic is frequency

Many couples have a gap in how often they want sex. Talking about it often feels like a negotiation between the person who wants more and the person who wants less.

A simple solution is to put intimacy in the diary. 2 slots a week, no expectation about where it goes, phones in another room. The person who wants more stops having to ask. The person who wants less stops feeling pressured. Read how to schedule intimacy without killing romance.

When the topic is something you have never said

Some people have a desire, a fear or a past experience they have never shared. That kind of truth can feel huge.

Start smaller than you think. Use 3 parts: what you held back, what you were scared they would think, and what you need from them, which is usually nothing except to know.

"There's something I've never told you about what I like. I've been scared you'd think it was strange. I don't need you to do anything about it. I just don't want to hide it."

Most partners respond with relief, and often with something of their own.

When it goes badly

Sometimes your partner will get hurt or defensive anyway. Do not push. Go back to the frame. "I'm not saying anything is wrong. I love you and I want more of us." If it still escalates, pause and come back to it another day.

What changes

Couples who can talk about sex usually have better sex, and more of it. Not because of any technique, but because they stop guessing. They also feel closer, because they have trusted each other with something that matters.

In my house

The first time I talked about this properly with my wife, I was more nervous than I had been about almost anything. It took 10 minutes. It changed far more than 10 minutes.

If you are the one being told

Thank them. Do not defend, even if it stings. They have just done something brave. Ask 1 question to understand more, then say what you would like too.

Where to start

Take the free relationship quiz to see where your relationship is. The Ten Secrets includes the practices for starting hard conversations and for letting yourself be seen. For a month of guidance that includes touch and intimacy, try the 30 Day Challenge.

Questions about talking about sex