Sex after baby when you feel disconnected: a gentle way back

Sex after baby when you feel disconnected is one of the most common things new parents worry about, and one of the least talked about. You love each other. You are proud of your child. And months have gone by without any intimacy, and neither of you knows how to bring it up.

You are not broken. You are tired, your bodies and roles have changed, and you have been waiting for a night that has not come.

Why it stops

1. Exhaustion. Broken sleep removes desire for both parents.
2. Touched out. A parent who has held, fed and carried a baby all day often wants no more touch by evening.
3. Body changes. Birth, feeding and recovery change how many women feel about their bodies. Some feel unattractive. Some feel their body belongs to the baby for now.
4. Fear of rejection. The partner who is not touched out reaches, gets turned down a few times, and stops reaching.
5. Disconnection outside the bedroom. When all conversation is about feeds and naps, it is hard to switch to feeling like lovers.

Waiting has it the wrong way round

Most new parents are waiting to feel like it, both at the same time, on a night when nobody is exhausted. That night rarely comes.

The longer it does not come, the bigger it gets. In my ebook, Sara and Michael went 7 months. Michael stopped reaching because he did not want to be turned down. Sara read that as him not wanting her any more.

Intimacy is often the way into feeling close, not the reward for it. You do not have to feel connected first.

Start outside the bedroom

Before you think about sex, rebuild the small things.

1. 1 sentence each before 7am. Love or care, appreciation or respect. Name something specific.
2. Touch that is not a request. A hand on her back. A hug that lasts. For a partner who is touched out, make sure some touch is clearly going nowhere.
3. Tell each other exactly what would help. Each write 5 small, specific things that would feel like care this week. Swap lists. The partner at home often needs practical help before they can feel desire.
4. Thank each other out loud. New parents do huge amounts of invisible work. Seeing it helps.

A low pressure way back to sex after baby when you feel disconnected

1. Agree on 2 short slots a week. Write them down.
2. No expectation about where it goes. This is the most important rule. If it becomes sex, good. If it stays as touch, also good.
3. Phones in another room. Baby monitor on, everything else off.
4. 15 minutes of touch. Massage, lying close, kissing. Nothing that has to lead anywhere.
5. Talk about what feels good, and what does not yet. Bodies change after birth. Go slowly.

How it comes back

For Sara and Michael, the first 2 evenings were stiff. Sara said it felt like a dentist appointment. Michael said it felt like a test.

Then the week after, Sara sent Michael a message at lunchtime. One word: "Tonight." He told me he could not concentrate for the rest of the day.

Anticipation came back first. Frequency came after.

For the partner who wants more

Be patient and be specific about your love. Tell her she is beautiful on a day she does not feel it. Take the baby so she can have an hour to herself. Desire often returns when she feels like a person again, not only a parent.

For the partner who wants less

You do not owe anyone sex. It can still help to say what you do want. "I'm not ready for sex, but I would love you to hold me tonight." That keeps your partner close and stops them feeling rejected.

When to see a doctor

Pain during sex, very low mood, anxiety, numbness or no interest at all for many months are worth raising with a doctor or women's health physio. Postnatal depression affects mothers and fathers, and it is treatable.

In my house

We have a small child, and we schedule it. The alternative is that it does not happen. Saying that out loud was harder than doing it.

What to say to start

If you do not know how to open the subject, try this: "I miss you. I'm not asking for sex. I'd love us to have 15 minutes twice a week where we just lie together with the phones somewhere else. No expectations. Would you try it with me?"

Most partners say yes to that, because it is safe. It does not ask for anything except time together.

Where to start

Read how to reconnect with your partner after having a baby and how to schedule intimacy without killing romance. Take the free relationship quiz. The 30 Day Challenge is 15 minutes a day each, which is about what new parents have.

Questions new parents ask