10 signs your relationship is drifting apart, and what to do about each

Most couples do not notice the signs your relationship is drifting apart until the drift has been going on for years. Nothing dramatic happens. There is no fight that ends it. You just wake up one day next to someone you know very well and feel very far from.

Here are the 10 signs I see most often in the couples I work with, and a small thing you can do about each one.

1. You only talk about logistics

Who is picking up the kids. Did you pay the electricity. What is for dinner. If you went back through a week of your messages, would there be a single one that was not about running the house?

What to do: send 1 message a day that is not about logistics. Tell them something you saw that made you think of them. Tell them you are looking forward to seeing them.

2. You go to bed at different times

One of you stays up on the couch, the other goes to bed with a phone. It started as a practical thing. Now it means you almost never fall asleep together.

What to do: go to bed at the same time 3 nights a week. Lie there for 10 minutes before the phones come out.

3. Touch has become functional

A kiss on the way out the door. A hand on the shoulder while passing in the hallway. Nothing that says I want you.

What to do: touch for no reason. A hug that lasts longer than feels normal. Your hand on their back while they cook.

4. You feel lonely when you are together

This is the one people find hardest to say out loud. Being on your own feels easier than being with them.

What to do: tell them, gently, in the right way. Say first that they have done nothing wrong and that you want to feel closer. Then say it.

5. You stopped bringing things up

Not because things got better, but because raising them never seemed to change anything.

What to do: pick the smallest thing you have been keeping back and say it. Tell them what you need at the end, which is usually only for them to listen.

6. You are kind, but careful

You do not fight, but you are not relaxed either. The house has a slightly polite feeling, like guests who are getting on fine.

What to do: laugh at something together. That sounds simple. Put on a song from your wedding and dance badly in the living room. In my ebook, Kate and Johan did this. They felt silly. By the third night they were laughing.

7. You do not know what they are worried about

You know their calendar. You could not say what is keeping them up at night.

What to do: ask. "What is on your mind this week, apart from the stuff we both know about?" Then listen without fixing.

8. Sex is rare, and nobody mentions it

It is not a fight. It is a silence. Both of you are waiting for the other one to start, or for the right night.

What to do: put it in the diary. 2 evenings a week, with no expectation about where it goes. It feels awkward for a couple of weeks and then it starts to feel like something to look forward to.

9. Your phone is the first thing you see in the morning

Not them.

What to do: 1 sentence each before either of you picks up a phone. Love or care for her. Appreciation or respect for him. Say the exact thing.

10. You plan your future separately

Your next holiday, next job or next 5 years exist mostly in your own head. You assume they will be there, but you have not asked what they want.

What to do: once a month, ask each other what you want next year. Write it down.

How many signs is too many?

If you recognise 1 or 2, you are in a normal busy patch. Pay attention to it now.

If you recognise 4 to 6, you are in what I call the drift. Neither of you is the bad guy. You are both tired and have stopped choosing each other. This is very recoverable.

If you recognise 7 or more, you may be in distance. It feels far gone. I have seen couples come back from further. It usually helps to have someone guide you.

Why it is not anyone's fault

Drift is what happens when good people stop doing the small things. It does not need a villain. That is also why it does not need a big conversation about whose fault it is. It needs the small things back.

Talk about the signs together

Read this list together and each pick the 2 signs that feel most true. Do not argue about them. Just choose 1 small fix to try this week.

Where to start

Take the free relationship quiz. 10 questions, 2 minutes, and it tells you which of 3 places you are in, with a first step for that place. Then read how to stop drifting apart. If you want 30 days of daily guidance, start the 30 Day Challenge.

Questions about drifting apart