Unhappy in marriage after kids? You are not alone

Many couples feel unhappy in marriage after kids, and almost nobody says it out loud. You love your children. You love your partner, mostly. And somewhere in the nappies, the school runs and the broken sleep, you lost each other.

If this is you, you are not failing. You are in one of the hardest seasons a couple goes through. Here is what I see, as a coach and as a father.

Why kids make marriage harder

1. No time. The hours you used to spend on each other now go to the children.
2. No sleep. Exhaustion makes everyone less patient and more sensitive.
3. New roles. One of you may be home more, one at work more. Each can feel the other has it easier.
4. The mental load. Someone remembers the vaccinations, the school forms, the birthday parties. Usually 1 person carries most of it, and resents it.
5. Less touch, less sex. Partly tiredness, partly feeling touched out, partly waiting for a night that never comes.
6. All talk is logistics. Who is doing pickup. Did you pay the daycare. We are out of milk.

A story from my ebook

Anouk and Ben had 2 kids under 5, and their mornings were a relay race. The first words either of them said were things like "did you pay the daycare?" and "we're out of milk." By 6 in the evening they were both empty. They did not fight much. They just had nothing left for each other.

I gave them the smallest assignment I have. 1 sentence each, before either of them picked up a phone. Ben told Anouk he loved her and named something specific. Anouk thanked Ben for 1 exact thing.

Around day 10, Anouk noticed she was not snapping at 6pm any more. Ben says it is the cheapest thing he has ever done that changed the most.

If you are unhappy in marriage after kids: 7 steps

1. Start with 8 seconds. The morning sentence. Every day.
2. Divide the load clearly. Not tasks, whole areas. One person owns meals, the other owns school admin. Read how to divide household responsibilities without fighting.
3. Tell each other exactly what would help. Each write 5 small, specific things that would feel like care this week. Swap. Do 2.
4. Protect 10 minutes a day. After the kids are in bed. Phones in another room. Not about the kids.
5. Score reactions out of 10. Tired parents overreact. Saying "this is an 8 and I know it's a 3, I'm exhausted" stops a lot of fights.
6. Schedule intimacy. 2 short slots a week, no expectation about where it goes. In my ebook, Sara and Michael went 7 months without sex after their son was born. Scheduling brought it back.
7. Get time alone, each. A parent with no time to themselves has nothing left to give. Swap mornings off.

What not to do

1. Do not wait for the kids to be older. The habits you build now will still be there when they are teenagers.
2. Do not keep score. Who did more today is a fight nobody wins.
3. Do not put the marriage last every single day. The kids need parents who like each other.

For the parent who feels invisible

Many parents, often but not always mothers, feel they have disappeared into the role. If that is you, tell your partner what you need, specifically. "On Saturday mornings, take the kids out for 2 hours so I can have time that is mine."

For the parent who feels shut out

Many parents, often but not always fathers, feel they have no place in the new family. If that is you, take an area fully. Own bath time, or Saturday mornings. Do it your way.

When it is more than a hard season

If either of you feels hopeless, numb or unable to enjoy anything, please speak to a doctor. Postnatal depression can affect either parent, and it can appear later than people expect.

In my house

We have a small daughter. Our morning sentence happens before she wakes, which means it happens at whatever hour she decides. It is the most reliable thing we do.

What children learn from watching you

Children learn what love looks like by watching their parents. Not from what you say, but from how you greet each other, argue, make up and touch.

Putting your marriage first for 10 minutes a day is not taking something away from your children. It is giving them a picture of love they will carry for the rest of their lives.

Where to start

Read how to reconnect with your partner after having a baby. Take the free relationship quiz. The 30 Day Challenge is 15 minutes a day each, which is about what parents have. For 12 weeks of support, see The New Us.

Questions parents ask